Time to move on

As you have seen, I’m not really updating this place anymore. I’m sure there will be times when I feel the need to pour out my feelings once again, but for now this place is really quiet.

I have started a new blog for this hobby of mine. I do not want to link it here, but if you feel like you want to follow the lighter side of me (who am I kidding, I’m still the same old cynical bitch I’ve always been…) you can leave a comment and I will email you the link.

So even though I’m leaving most of the bitterness behind, the new blog is not all about pink and fluffy things. I still hate pink. I still think life sucks and then you die. But the world of women doing their nails is a happy place. Maybe some of it will rub on me, but it is not an easy process. It will be interesting to see how much I will change…

My number is too big

A lot of time has passed. Soon it will be two years from the day I left. It does not feel like it has been that long. But I’m totally sure it was the best solution for everybody. I do not have to live in fear all the time. But the fear is not gone completely away, as we have to get along because we have DS. Just today I took him to see his dad. I always expect the worst and never really want to go there. But the ex has behaved well. Sometimes he calls me and is obviously drunk. That I do not really like, but I try to behave, too.

But the motivation to write this post is that I have been having these weird dreams. Well, dreams never really are logical. But for some reason I have lately had several dreams in which I am with a man. When I am awake I do not mind being alone or more correctly that there are just me and DS. But these dreams make me wonder.

And the other weird thing in these dreams is that the men seen in them are not ones I would ever in a million years make out with when I am awake. If I can say who the man in the dream is, usually he is someone I would refuse to touch. But in two recent dreams I could not say who the men were. Yes, different men in different nights.

But when I woke up it felt like something is missing. Like I did not want to wake up. Like I wanted to remember how good it felt to really fuck someone. To cuddle up with someone. To have someone to hug.

All that has been missing from my life for a long time. As you know if you have been reading my blog, it was missing long before I left. I have stopped counting how many years it has been now. And most days I do not even think about it.

And then there are days like these. And I do not like it. I would much rather be happily alone. Because starting a new relationship is never a smooth ride. Sure, the feeling is great if you find someone to fall in love with. But the hurt is also very real. Come to think of it, being in love is more about the hurt than the good feeling. At least for me it has been.

And I hate the looking. I absolutely hate it. I do not want to actively look for love. Because I do not believe it comes from looking. But the reality is that I do not meet people while I am unemployed. And if the plans come true and I start to sell nail polish – well, let’s say if that attracts men I most likely do not want to get involved with them.

So I have registered to one or two dating things. One in Facebook and one other. Both would want money to see pictures or to contact people. But I do not want to pay. So I kind of just have the profile there and sometimes go there to see if anyone has contacted me.

So far nothing has come along that has made me want to send a reply. I get messages from men that are 15 years older than me. And if someone closer to my age contacts me they sound 15 years older than me. Sure, age is just a number. But in my case it means that I am not as old as my age suggests. I’ve always been slow in everything. When girls my age started going to parties I still played with barbies. When others my age started drinking and smoking and getting all grown up I stayed home and watched TV. When others my age had boyfriends and had sex, I was still hoping for my first kiss. I’m not sure if I ever told you, but I lost my virginity at the age 20.

So even though age is just a number, I really doubt I can find a man 15 years older than me that lost his virginity at the age of 35. And even if I do, I doubt I would want to socialize with him. So that is the problem with online dating. Everyone looks at you age. And I find most people my age old. I feel most comfortable around people that are 10 years younger than me. I know many people that are around 30 and I get so well along with them. Then once in a bar I saw someone I had not seen in years. He is a year younger than me, but he had turned old. It felt so strange.

So should I lie about my age? No, that is not what I want to do. So my options are severely limited. I do not go out to meet people, I can not find men in online dating services. So I will most likely continue being alone. And most days I do not mind. I will still rather be alone than in a bad relationship.

You always see advice that you should lower your expectations so you can find someone. But what is the point? Living in a half-ass relationship really does not make your life great. So is the advice to take anyone you can get? I’ll leave it. Though I occasionally would need a hug, but I’m not willing to pay that price. I value my freedom now that I have it.

FInding my new direction

I still love doing my nails. And I think I have gotten better at it. The bad thing is that all this costs money. So far I have only bought not-so-expensive polishes, and that trend is going to last for a while.

The bad thing about this is that I do not really want to seek jobs fitting my education. Because most of those available are not something I would want to do. Sure, it would get me more money. But if you absolutely hate what you do, is it worth it?

I have been in jobs where every morning I have to make myself to get up and go. That was the worst time of my life. I do not want to go there ever again. But if it is what you have to do to survive… That would be a hard choice to make.

So I just do my nails. And have my fantasies of making that into my job. This might just be the only thing that can make me employed again, by me!

Getting in touch with your feminine side

Oh well, nothing much has changed as the new year has begun. I’m still unemployed and I’m no closer to finding a job as I was. It’s very, very hard to just keep going and believing that things will get better when the time is right. I wonder what is so great that I have to go through all this?

But I do have to believe in something. The universe has something planned for me, but I will have to wait a bit longer to see what it is. But it’s so hard! Once again I find myself wondering how my life would be if I had taken a different turn at some point. To me it seems that it would be a lot better. But I’ll never know. And it is pointless to think about it. But how do I stop? How do I force my brain to banish those thoughts?

I need a diversion. The problem is that I have way too much free time at my disposal. And I think I have found one. And it is something I would not in a million years have thought I would get into. I blame my ex-colleague (now I think I would classify her as a friend) who was laid off at the same time as me. We have been getting together about once a week so that the walls so not fall on you. This has really been important to me, as I have said it many times that I really do not have any real life friends around here.

She has been into nail art for some time now. I never thought much about it, just politely hummed accepting sounds when she showed me her stuff. My nails are no good, they are really thin and I have never managed to grow them. As soon as I hit about half a centimetre it starts to rip from the side and I have to cut the nail back to nothing. So I never thought I would get into making fancy nails.

But watching her do it for so long seems to have had an effect. Or more precisely, helping her set up a nail blog made something snap in my head. We had a party with a third woman last Friday and I decided to try and do my nails for the first time in ages. I do not think I have given much thought to my nails since I was a teenager. But I bought a cheap nail polish and some stickers.

The effect was not what I expected. For some reason seeing my short nails polished and with some bling made me feel better. Weird. How can a few rounds of nail polish make any difference? Surfing in nail blogs really did not cure this fever. I want to do something else with my nails. I want to try this and that and … What is happening to me? I have never considered myself being feminine, in fact I feel just the opposite. I do not wear high heels, I do not care about my hair other than that the color is not too bad and showing the roots, I only wear make up on special occasions and it shows.

But I want to do my nails. I want to buy loads of nail polish. And decorations. And learn how to make all kinds of nice things with them. Just one solid color on nails is boring.

I really have to hold myself back so I do not put all my food money on nail polish. Oh well, I suppose it is a good thing after all, it keeps me from thinking how bad my situation really is. But soon my nails will be looking good!

Fuck you, 2011

Again it is this time of the year. It seems that every year I sit here wishing the next year is better than this one. I always seemed to think that this time it is all past me and now things are going to change for the better.

Not this year. This year has really been bad. I do not even really want to list how bad it has been, as it will look even worse than it has been. But here goes!

It all started on late November 2010, when I was told that I will not have a job anymore. At the time I did not think too much about it, as at that time my ex-boss said that we would be back by summer. I guess he forgot to say what year that would be. So now I’m getting desperate for a job. I really, really need a job soon.

But now this fall that I have been actively looking for a job it has dawned to me that it is not going to be that easy. It seems there are lots of us to go around right now. And that the years I have spent in my last job were a complete waste of time if you look it professionally. Nothing I have done there looks good on my resume. So I have to apply for jobs I have not done in years. Why would someone hire me if I would have to learn everything over again?

And then there is the issue of living where I do. And I really can not move again, I can not do it to DS. So I can imagine how those hiring employees would much rather take someone who lives nearby than someone living two hours away. I never even get that far that I could tell them I’ve done it before and it is very much doable.

So I’m getting lonely and very worried about money. I’m still getting unemployment, but the days are ticking away. It’s not a lot of money, but it is enough to make it through. But I can not buy anything extra. My computer is really old and I’, worried it will break for good any day now. I have not bought any new clothes for a full year now (or old ones for that matter). My camera is acting up and soon I will not be able to take any pictures with it. This chair I’m sitting on is evacuating all it’s stuffing and looks so sad. I would need a box for my car’s ABS brakes so that I can get it through the inspection the next time.

And it could get worse. If I do not get a job next year I will start getting much less. That money would barely be enough for the mortgage. Nothing more. No electricity, no water, no food. What the hell am I going to do then? It’s not like I’m not even trying to find anything now. There is little else I can do.

And this has been the year of death. First my dad died. Then this friend of mine. Then it seems that I failed to tell you I lost my brother in the summer. Or actually he was my half brother. He had been sick for a few years now, but still the end came a bit unexpected, just before midsummer. The funeral was on a very hot day in July. I just hope that is the end of it, I don’t need any more deaths.

I still have my mother, but she is really getting old. And she is losing her memory. Or lost, it’s not just going anymore. She has been diagnosed with alzheimers, so it is not going to get any better. This is what that late brother of mine had, too. So I do know what is coming and it is not pretty. She is living in an apartment now, on her own. She is still managing it, but I do not know for how long. When my dad was still alive there were people checking on them, but now that he is dead someone somewhere has decided my mom does not need help.

But she can no longer remember much. She still knows who I am and who DS is, so it’s not that bad just yet. But I worry. It seems that the places in old people’s homes are really hard to come by around here. So what happens when she gets so bad that she can not make it at home alone?

Once again I’m thinking that my life seems like it can not be true. How can these things keep happening to me? So now I have lost my ability to think positively. I can not take the falls anymore. You do not fall from high if you have no hopes.

But I do hope if there still is someone reading that your next year is a better one!

Please. help me find the flaw in my logic because there must be one

I’m just so mad right now. And the same time I feel like I can’t take this anymore.

Yesterday I got a call from this step brother of mine, who is still thinking that he has been wrongfully treated. I will tell you the whole story now, so that you can point out where the wrongdoing is if it exists.

My father has three children: me and these two boys. The boys’ mother died when they were quite young. My father married again but divorced a few years later. Then a lot later he met my mom and married her. At that time the boys were all grown up and had their own families. So they have never even lived in the same house as my parents. And then I was born.

They always had their own money and separate bank accounts. I do not remember that my dad ever had a job, but then again he was already quite old when I was born. My mom worked as a teacher in a nearby elementary school before retiring. So my mom was the one to bring money to the family as I remember it. I could be wrong, but I do not know that he had any hidden money anywhere and I would have come up now if that had been the case.

Fast forward to a couple years ago when my parents sold the house they had been living in for about 30 years as they got too old to take care of the house and yard. They did not want to buy an apartment for that money but decided to rent so they got a large sum of money that they divided 50/50. My dad had just been in the hospital for pneumonia and had been quite ill for some time. After he got out of the hospital he divided his share of the money between his three children so each one of us got 12000 Euros.

I did not know it back then, but around the same time they made a prenuptial agreement and a will. I seem to remember that my mom was very mad about something at that time and it was somehow linked to the bank they were using. I do not know the details of what was going on but I remember my mom said that someone at the bank had said that my dad has a strong opinion and she felt that her opinion did not count for anything. This made her change to another bank even though she had been using the other bank all her life.

This is now pure speculation, but now when I know more I suspect that the disagreement was about my dad giving his share of the money away. In this country when you are married your money and everything you own is put together and divided evenly between spouses if the marriage ends (divorce or death). I think my mom realized that now when my dad gave his money away it would be half of her share that would be divided amongst the three children in the likely event of him passing before her. So that is why they made the prenuptial that made her money and possessions hers and his money and possessions his.

They also made a will, which in my opinion was completely unnecessary. It just states the obvious, my father’s money would be evenly divided between the three of his children and my mom’s would go to me alone. Then there was something that I found odd, it said that all their belongings would go to me except for one clock and a desk. Hey, I do not want all that stuff, I have nowhere to put it!

So after my father died we all had to sign a paper that we have been notified of the will and if we accept it or not. To me it seemed quite simple and the only part I found odd was me getting all the stuff. But the other one of the half brothers got all agitated and seemed hostile when he came to the meeting where we just stated the funds of the deceased and his spouse. My father did not leave a lot of money and the most of it went to the funeral.

I think the bank official said that there really is not much chance of getting any of my mom’s money even if you decide to not accept the will because of the prenuptial. But he just kept repeating that how come he is not getting anything and how my dad was willing to share but my mom is not. Why should she share her money to men she is in no way related to?

I thought that he would come to his senses after he has time to think about it. I’ve even said that he is more than welcome to take anything he wants from the stuff my father had, I have no use for his tools or that one painting my half brother’s wife made 30 years ago. Please take them is that makes you happy! I’m just baffled on why you did not express any interest in them back when they had to move from a large house to a two bedroom apartment and a lot of stuff had to be thrown away. All those tools would have ended in the dump if it had not been for my ex who took some of them back to our place. Now it is suddenly a matter of life and death that he gets as much as possible.

And then we come to the reason I’m writing this post and why I am so mad. And sad. This half brother called me yesterday. He still has not signed the paper that he has been notified of the will. He is still thinking it is unfair that my dad gave his money to all of his children evenly but my mom wants to give her money to her only child.

He now thinks that my dad should not have given me anything and should have left all he had to the two sons. He said he would sign the paper is I agreed to give him half of the money that we were given when the house was sold because he thinks he deserves it and I don’t. Are you fucking kidding me?!?!? So I should just give you 6000 Euros because your feeling have been hurt? Come on now, I do not have that kind of money. That was several years ago, I’ve spent the money. Right now I’m struggling to make it from one month to another. I just paid the bills for this month and there is barely money left to buy food. And I should just give you that much money? In your dreams.

Trying to find my way back to normal reality

I know I have said that if you do not hear from me that means that things are going relatively well. Sadly that has not been the case now; things are going straight to hell. Every time when I think that things can not get much worse than this they do.

Let’s begin from last November. That was when I was told that I will not have a job after 31st of December. Just what I needed with my newly taken mortgage and everything. What bothered me even more about this is that some people got to keep their jobs that many people thought were a lot less deserving.

So now I’m just hoping they manage to get new projects going and I’ll get to go back. Of course I’m keeping my eyes open for other opportunities but sadly those are few and far between here. And moving is out of the question. At least for now, we’ll see about that if I’m not getting a job before all my money runs out.

That was one huge blow in itself. It also meant that I would lose most of my social (real life) contacts as I do not really have friends here. At least at work I got to talk to grown up people every day. The one thing that has kept me sane in all this is that one co-worker got laid off at the same time. We have been visiting each other and thinking of ways to make money. But so far we have not come up with anything feasible.

Then, as this had not been enough to deal with, my dad died. Of course he was 101 years old so that was not really a surprise. But he was still my dad, so of course it hit hard. For a few weeks I really could not concentrate on anything. But I had to, as he needed a funeral. But I do hate it when people give their condolences. What does it mean? And most people just say the words without meaning it. I highly doubt that the cashier at the bank is really so sorry that my dad died. At least you could find any other words than that one, condolences.

I really thought that getting through the funeral would make it all go away and let me regain my life. I never, ever thought that there would be something unclear about who gets what. I knew that my dad did not have much money or anything. But now it seems that one of my half brothers seems to think it is horribly unfair that he is not getting much. It sounded to me that in his opinion my mom (not his, she has been dead for decades) should have divided her money to these half brothers of mine. Why the hell would she do that??? So now I’m not sure what he’ll do. Great, like I needed more things to worry about…

And while it might seem like a small thing compared to all this, I just found out last weekend that my latest crush is still far from being over just yet. Damn. I have wanted it to be over for a long time. Like two and a half years now. There is still no chance of anything ever coming out of it, so it is just a waste of time. But I no matter how often I keep telling me this the feelings just refuse to go away. So I have just given up and started hoping for someone else to fall for. It’s just that you can not just decide to fall for someone, it either happens or does not happen. So there is no guessing on when this might actually happen, now that I barely even see other people.

And I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m afraid to think this is the worst it gets, because I’ve been proven wrong too many times in the last months. It is strange how you think that I can not take anymore, get hit with something once again and notice that I’m still alive and kicking. I’ve been bent badly, but I have not snapped – yet.

When have I used up all my days

I know it has been a long time. I can not say that things have progressed just great. They have not.

I have lost my job. I am now unemployed. I’m managing, so this is just an opportunity to think what I really want. At least for now. But if I do not find a new job in the next few months… well, that is a whole new ballgame.

And about two weeks ago my father died. Yes, he was 101 years old so it can not be called a surprise. But it was a chock. I was a complete mess for a few days. But it seems that I got used to the idea of him dying soon. Yes, I will mourn, but I will also know it was time.

What is harder to swallow is that I just learned that a friend of mine has died in a car accident. She was two years younger that I am. I have known her for at least 20 years. I do not care how religious any of you are, but it could not be her time yet.

It was a mindless accident. In a road I knew was dangerous. I always felt threatened when walkinf or biking on it.

I’m just so sad. Life is too short. You never know. It could end tomorrow.

Hello, world!

Just a quick update on how I’m doing right now. Which is quite well. And it seems that DS is also doing well, if I am to believe my very good friend. She said that DS looks much more relaxed and answers questions better or maybe not better but answers them and does not hide behind me and tell me to answer for him. And we happened to be visiting at their house at the same time when there was a cousin there who has not even seen DS that many times. She had also said that he looks a lot more relaxed and happy now than he has ever been.

It is really hard to see these things on your own when you are around him every day. But I’m glad that others see it. I know I’m feeling a hell of a lot better now. I do not even realize it all the time, only when I have to be around ex-DH which is unfortunately inevitable as we have DS. I can feel that tension creep up the minute I see him and expect him to say something hurtful any minute now. I am always so relieved when I leave the place!

Last week I finally got my piano and washing machine out of there. I was really hesitant to ask anyone to carry them for me as I was so sure the ex-DH would think that I’m sleeping with them in exchange. But then we were going to visit Sweden in our autumn holiday and I happened to mention it while we were eating lunch. These two co-workers like to use snus (which I think is gross) and since you cannot get that in Finland they wanted me to bring it to them. So I managed to bribe them into helping me.

Here I have to say that none of these two was the co-worker I have mentioned here before. But they were men and ex-DH did not know them in advance so I really thought it was dangerous. But it at least seems that he took it as it was, two men I knew moving my piano. But I keep thinking that it cannot be this easy. Something is going happen, I just know it.

But right now I’m feeling OK. And that is a huge relief. I like this place where I do not have to be consumed by extreme feelings. I do not have to be afraid all the time. But I know this has scarred me for good. I really much doubt if I can ever have a normal relationship with a man again. It seems that all too often you make the same mistakes all over again and I really do not want to end up with in another relationship like this one. I cannot trust my feelings as I look at the mess they got me into the last time. Yes, I seem to get these mindless crushes every now and then and I’m still looking for that pill to prevent that. But I’m telling you it will be a long and hard journey to make me trust someone ever again.

So for now I’m just enjoying being alone. The thought of it does not scare me anymore. It’s not like I really was with anyone even when I was with ex-DH for a long time. So being alone but not afraid is fine by me. There is no way I’m going to go looking for a relationship, if someone thinks I’m worth fighting for then let’s see that and if I find feelings inside of me who knows. But not right now. I want to just be.

Looking in the mirror does not tell the truth like a camera does

I’m just so ugly. I just realized it once again. I have been avoiding having my picture taken for a long time, but now someone else had the camera and managed to capture me.

I could live quite happily if there were no mirrors or cameras. Then I could not see myself. But now I have seen some pictures taken of me and I look awful.

So why am I still wondering why no man wants me? Why is it so easy to fool yourself into believing that you actually look OK?

I just have to keep some of these photos just to remind me of why I am alone. There is no man on earth who would be with someone that looks like me.