Fuck you, 2011

Again it is this time of the year. It seems that every year I sit here wishing the next year is better than this one. I always seemed to think that this time it is all past me and now things are going to change for the better.

Not this year. This year has really been bad. I do not even really want to list how bad it has been, as it will look even worse than it has been. But here goes!

It all started on late November 2010, when I was told that I will not have a job anymore. At the time I did not think too much about it, as at that time my ex-boss said that we would be back by summer. I guess he forgot to say what year that would be. So now I’m getting desperate for a job. I really, really need a job soon.

But now this fall that I have been actively looking for a job it has dawned to me that it is not going to be that easy. It seems there are lots of us to go around right now. And that the years I have spent in my last job were a complete waste of time if you look it professionally. Nothing I have done there looks good on my resume. So I have to apply for jobs I have not done in years. Why would someone hire me if I would have to learn everything over again?

And then there is the issue of living where I do. And I really can not move again, I can not do it to DS. So I can imagine how those hiring employees would much rather take someone who lives nearby than someone living two hours away. I never even get that far that I could tell them I’ve done it before and it is very much doable.

So I’m getting lonely and very worried about money. I’m still getting unemployment, but the days are ticking away. It’s not a lot of money, but it is enough to make it through. But I can not buy anything extra. My computer is really old and I’, worried it will break for good any day now. I have not bought any new clothes for a full year now (or old ones for that matter). My camera is acting up and soon I will not be able to take any pictures with it. This chair I’m sitting on is evacuating all it’s stuffing and looks so sad. I would need a box for my car’s ABS brakes so that I can get it through the inspection the next time.

And it could get worse. If I do not get a job next year I will start getting much less. That money would barely be enough for the mortgage. Nothing more. No electricity, no water, no food. What the hell am I going to do then? It’s not like I’m not even trying to find anything now. There is little else I can do.

And this has been the year of death. First my dad died. Then this friend of mine. Then it seems that I failed to tell you I lost my brother in the summer. Or actually he was my half brother. He had been sick for a few years now, but still the end came a bit unexpected, just before midsummer. The funeral was on a very hot day in July. I just hope that is the end of it, I don’t need any more deaths.

I still have my mother, but she is really getting old. And she is losing her memory. Or lost, it’s not just going anymore. She has been diagnosed with alzheimers, so it is not going to get any better. This is what that late brother of mine had, too. So I do know what is coming and it is not pretty. She is living in an apartment now, on her own. She is still managing it, but I do not know for how long. When my dad was still alive there were people checking on them, but now that he is dead someone somewhere has decided my mom does not need help.

But she can no longer remember much. She still knows who I am and who DS is, so it’s not that bad just yet. But I worry. It seems that the places in old people’s homes are really hard to come by around here. So what happens when she gets so bad that she can not make it at home alone?

Once again I’m thinking that my life seems like it can not be true. How can these things keep happening to me? So now I have lost my ability to think positively. I can not take the falls anymore. You do not fall from high if you have no hopes.

But I do hope if there still is someone reading that your next year is a better one!


4 responses to “Fuck you, 2011

  1. Holy crap! I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your brother – that’s an extra blow you just didn’t need.

    As for money, does Finland have much in the way of support? Is it anything you can apply for, or apply for on behalf of DS?

    I’m really bummed for you – you’re going through one hell of a tough time. I am convinced it’ll all work out somehow, though. Take care of yourself, Ankaisa, and keep us updated!!

  2. 2011 was a very tough year for you. I’m sorry to hear you’ve lost a brother on top of everything else that happened.

    I can imagine you feel less than confident right now about the future, but I really, really hope things improve very soon.

  3. Oro: I think I am getting all the support I am going to get. The problem is that I bought this apartment not too long ago and have some credit card debt due to the fact that moving into a new home always costs, I had to buy some furniture and such. I checked if I could get some support for housing costs, but it seems that we are living with too many square meters… I wonder where the extra is, in fact I could use more.

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