Just a quick update on how I’m doing right now. Which is quite well. And it seems that DS is also doing well, if I am to believe my very good friend. She said that DS looks much more relaxed and answers questions better or maybe not better but answers them and does not hide behind me and tell me to answer for him. And we happened to be visiting at their house at the same time when there was a cousin there who has not even seen DS that many times. She had also said that he looks a lot more relaxed and happy now than he has ever been.
It is really hard to see these things on your own when you are around him every day. But I’m glad that others see it. I know I’m feeling a hell of a lot better now. I do not even realize it all the time, only when I have to be around ex-DH which is unfortunately inevitable as we have DS. I can feel that tension creep up the minute I see him and expect him to say something hurtful any minute now. I am always so relieved when I leave the place!
Last week I finally got my piano and washing machine out of there. I was really hesitant to ask anyone to carry them for me as I was so sure the ex-DH would think that I’m sleeping with them in exchange. But then we were going to visit Sweden in our autumn holiday and I happened to mention it while we were eating lunch. These two co-workers like to use snus (which I think is gross) and since you cannot get that in Finland they wanted me to bring it to them. So I managed to bribe them into helping me.
Here I have to say that none of these two was the co-worker I have mentioned here before. But they were men and ex-DH did not know them in advance so I really thought it was dangerous. But it at least seems that he took it as it was, two men I knew moving my piano. But I keep thinking that it cannot be this easy. Something is going happen, I just know it.
But right now I’m feeling OK. And that is a huge relief. I like this place where I do not have to be consumed by extreme feelings. I do not have to be afraid all the time. But I know this has scarred me for good. I really much doubt if I can ever have a normal relationship with a man again. It seems that all too often you make the same mistakes all over again and I really do not want to end up with in another relationship like this one. I cannot trust my feelings as I look at the mess they got me into the last time. Yes, I seem to get these mindless crushes every now and then and I’m still looking for that pill to prevent that. But I’m telling you it will be a long and hard journey to make me trust someone ever again.
So for now I’m just enjoying being alone. The thought of it does not scare me anymore. It’s not like I really was with anyone even when I was with ex-DH for a long time. So being alone but not afraid is fine by me. There is no way I’m going to go looking for a relationship, if someone thinks I’m worth fighting for then let’s see that and if I find feelings inside of me who knows. But not right now. I want to just be.