When have I used up all my days

I know it has been a long time. I can not say that things have progressed just great. They have not.

I have lost my job. I am now unemployed. I’m managing, so this is just an opportunity to think what I really want. At least for now. But if I do not find a new job in the next few months… well, that is a whole new ballgame.

And about two weeks ago my father died. Yes, he was 101 years old so it can not be called a surprise. But it was a chock. I was a complete mess for a few days. But it seems that I got used to the idea of him dying soon. Yes, I will mourn, but I will also know it was time.

What is harder to swallow is that I just learned that a friend of mine has died in a car accident. She was two years younger that I am. I have known her for at least 20 years. I do not care how religious any of you are, but it could not be her time yet.

It was a mindless accident. In a road I knew was dangerous. I always felt threatened when walkinf or biking on it.

I’m just so sad. Life is too short. You never know. It could end tomorrow.

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Hello, world!

Just a quick update on how I’m doing right now. Which is quite well. And it seems that DS is also doing well, if I am to believe my very good friend. She said that DS looks much more relaxed and answers questions better or maybe not better but answers them and does not hide behind me and tell me to answer for him. And we happened to be visiting at their house at the same time when there was a cousin there who has not even seen DS that many times. She had also said that he looks a lot more relaxed and happy now than he has ever been.

It is really hard to see these things on your own when you are around him every day. But I’m glad that others see it. I know I’m feeling a hell of a lot better now. I do not even realize it all the time, only when I have to be around ex-DH which is unfortunately inevitable as we have DS. I can feel that tension creep up the minute I see him and expect him to say something hurtful any minute now. I am always so relieved when I leave the place!

Last week I finally got my piano and washing machine out of there. I was really hesitant to ask anyone to carry them for me as I was so sure the ex-DH would think that I’m sleeping with them in exchange. But then we were going to visit Sweden in our autumn holiday and I happened to mention it while we were eating lunch. These two co-workers like to use snus (which I think is gross) and since you cannot get that in Finland they wanted me to bring it to them. So I managed to bribe them into helping me.

Here I have to say that none of these two was the co-worker I have mentioned here before. But they were men and ex-DH did not know them in advance so I really thought it was dangerous. But it at least seems that he took it as it was, two men I knew moving my piano. But I keep thinking that it cannot be this easy. Something is going happen, I just know it.

But right now I’m feeling OK. And that is a huge relief. I like this place where I do not have to be consumed by extreme feelings. I do not have to be afraid all the time. But I know this has scarred me for good. I really much doubt if I can ever have a normal relationship with a man again. It seems that all too often you make the same mistakes all over again and I really do not want to end up with in another relationship like this one. I cannot trust my feelings as I look at the mess they got me into the last time. Yes, I seem to get these mindless crushes every now and then and I’m still looking for that pill to prevent that. But I’m telling you it will be a long and hard journey to make me trust someone ever again.

So for now I’m just enjoying being alone. The thought of it does not scare me anymore. It’s not like I really was with anyone even when I was with ex-DH for a long time. So being alone but not afraid is fine by me. There is no way I’m going to go looking for a relationship, if someone thinks I’m worth fighting for then let’s see that and if I find feelings inside of me who knows. But not right now. I want to just be.

Looking in the mirror does not tell the truth like a camera does

I’m just so ugly. I just realized it once again. I have been avoiding having my picture taken for a long time, but now someone else had the camera and managed to capture me.

I could live quite happily if there were no mirrors or cameras. Then I could not see myself. But now I have seen some pictures taken of me and I look awful.

So why am I still wondering why no man wants me? Why is it so easy to fool yourself into believing that you actually look OK?

I just have to keep some of these photos just to remind me of why I am alone. There is no man on earth who would be with someone that looks like me.

Where do I go from here?

Oh well, it seems that I cannot just shut up. So I’ll start writing and we’ll see once again where this ends up.

At least my stress level seems to have gone down. I do not drink that much anymore. We did have a sauna party with my co-workers last Friday and I did get drunk. But I cannot say when the last time I was actually drunk was. It used happen almost every weekend, now I just don’t feel like it anymore. It’s much nicer to have time to do everything than just hanging around feeling not too great.

But having a place of my own still comes with all kinds of worries. Money is a lot tighter these days and it seems really hard to keep my spending under control. And my job is not that secured either, so there is no telling when it ends. Then I’m in deep shit.

DS seems to be taking this well. He has started in a new school and at least says that it is much better than the last one. I had promised him that he can continue in his old school but luckily he wanted to go to a school closer to our home.

But for some reason he really, really puts up a fight every time he is scheduled to visit his dad. He was there while I was partying with co-workers and I was late because I had to talk him into going. He gets so bored there that he does not want to go. I had to bribe him into going, which I know is bad as he can get used to it.

It also really hit me that now I’m really alone. And my chances of ever finding a man again are from slim to none. I’m not willing to be with someone just so that I’m not alone. I know how good it can feel being with someone and that does not happen that often. But even when I feel that I’d love to have someone the reality is that it would be extremely hard right now. This all has left big scars into me and I’m not sure if they can ever be healed.

So I’m trying to adjust to the thought that I will be spending the rest of my life alone. Not really something I look forward to, but it still beats being in that dead-end marriage. I did not get any hugs or kisses there either, so not that much has changed. I guess it’s just that now I can think about being with someone else as I have left that ex behind.

But who knows, life does have its surprises. There is no way of knowing what will happen. I have just promised myself that I will not settle for something that does not make my heart sing and even if I find something that does I will not be the one running after someone if they are not interested in me. I know that is a lot to ask but I’ll rather be alone then.

Moving on

Just a quick post from me today to tell you that I’m still alive. I’m sorry to disappear like that once again, but I did not feel like writing. Actually I’m still not sure what I want to write. We’ll see where this ends up, as I have no idea what will come out.

Well, I actually have moved. And that was much less painful than I had thought that it would be. Or actually I’m still moving, as some of my stuff is still in the old place. There are still things to be sorted out but I’m rather sure things will get sorted out eventually.

But just don’t ask me how I feel about all this. Because I just can’t tell you. It’s nice to be at your own home without fear. So it is a relief. But I can’t say that I’m really happy. Or sad. Or angry. Or even really relieved. I’m not really bothered by this fact either. I do not care that I do not have feelings. Actually it’s a really good place to be, not really feeling anything. It sure as hell beats feeling bad all the time.

So I’m not really sure when I’ll write again. Right now I kinda feel that this blog has served its purpose and I do not have much to write anymore. Then again I usually write a lot when things are not going too well and I’m quite sure there will be bad times, hopefully not too soon but sometime in the (hopefully) distant future.

Just one more…

He won! I actually wrote a long post on how I want him to succeed but it got lost, so just posting two videos. The first one is from the first live concert, the second one is from the final last Sunday. I do not think I need to worry, as you have to screw up pretty bad if he is not a success…

Edit: It seems that all the videos have been removed…

Go Elias!

Wheee, Elias made it to the final!! Now it does not matter if he wins or loses it, actually it might be even better if he loses. Because it has been the better place for the future for so many artists in this kind of competitions.

But now for my worries. I actually bought a few songs he has sung in the competition that have been made in a real studio.  And they have completely dropped the ball there. It does not sound at all like him. Actually it sucks really, really bad. It’s just not the same. Here, let me demonstrate to you. This is what he sounds like live in the TV (contains also the judges’ comments in Finnish ar the end). This is how the same song sounds after the studio people have had they hands on it. Not the same. Something is badly missing. So all I can do is hope that they are just trying to make a quick buck and not even trying to make it sound good and that the real CD is going to sound a lot better. I wish…

But the fact remains that if the album sounds like that, I can not listen to it. My hairs do not stand up like it does when I listen to the live one. Something has gone terribly wrong here. I can barely recognize that it is the same person, but just barely. Everything that makes his voice so special is gone in the recording. I’m so, so, so disappointed.

But then I was surfing along and came across this clip: http://www.soffa.tv/gusto/mascot_1.html#/gusto__mascot_1.mp4 that just…  Why do they make him sing sappy ballads in the competition when he can rock like this? It looks like my fears are coming true and the record company is going to screw it all up and he will never become the star he is.