My number is too big

A lot of time has passed. Soon it will be two years from the day I left. It does not feel like it has been that long. But I’m totally sure it was the best solution for everybody. I do not have to live in fear all the time. But the fear is not gone completely away, as we have to get along because we have DS. Just today I took him to see his dad. I always expect the worst and never really want to go there. But the ex has behaved well. Sometimes he calls me and is obviously drunk. That I do not really like, but I try to behave, too.

But the motivation to write this post is that I have been having these weird dreams. Well, dreams never really are logical. But for some reason I have lately had several dreams in which I am with a man. When I am awake I do not mind being alone or more correctly that there are just me and DS. But these dreams make me wonder.

And the other weird thing in these dreams is that the men seen in them are not ones I would ever in a million years make out with when I am awake. If I can say who the man in the dream is, usually he is someone I would refuse to touch. But in two recent dreams I could not say who the men were. Yes, different men in different nights.

But when I woke up it felt like something is missing. Like I did not want to wake up. Like I wanted to remember how good it felt to really fuck someone. To cuddle up with someone. To have someone to hug.

All that has been missing from my life for a long time. As you know if you have been reading my blog, it was missing long before I left. I have stopped counting how many years it has been now. And most days I do not even think about it.

And then there are days like these. And I do not like it. I would much rather be happily alone. Because starting a new relationship is never a smooth ride. Sure, the feeling is great if you find someone to fall in love with. But the hurt is also very real. Come to think of it, being in love is more about the hurt than the good feeling. At least for me it has been.

And I hate the looking. I absolutely hate it. I do not want to actively look for love. Because I do not believe it comes from looking. But the reality is that I do not meet people while I am unemployed. And if the plans come true and I start to sell nail polish – well, let’s say if that attracts men I most likely do not want to get involved with them.

So I have registered to one or two dating things. One in Facebook and one other. Both would want money to see pictures or to contact people. But I do not want to pay. So I kind of just have the profile there and sometimes go there to see if anyone has contacted me.

So far nothing has come along that has made me want to send a reply. I get messages from men that are 15 years older than me. And if someone closer to my age contacts me they sound 15 years older than me. Sure, age is just a number. But in my case it means that I am not as old as my age suggests. I’ve always been slow in everything. When girls my age started going to parties I still played with barbies. When others my age started drinking and smoking and getting all grown up I stayed home and watched TV. When others my age had boyfriends and had sex, I was still hoping for my first kiss. I’m not sure if I ever told you, but I lost my virginity at the age 20.

So even though age is just a number, I really doubt I can find a man 15 years older than me that lost his virginity at the age of 35. And even if I do, I doubt I would want to socialize with him. So that is the problem with online dating. Everyone looks at you age. And I find most people my age old. I feel most comfortable around people that are 10 years younger than me. I know many people that are around 30 and I get so well along with them. Then once in a bar I saw someone I had not seen in years. He is a year younger than me, but he had turned old. It felt so strange.

So should I lie about my age? No, that is not what I want to do. So my options are severely limited. I do not go out to meet people, I can not find men in online dating services. So I will most likely continue being alone. And most days I do not mind. I will still rather be alone than in a bad relationship.

You always see advice that you should lower your expectations so you can find someone. But what is the point? Living in a half-ass relationship really does not make your life great. So is the advice to take anyone you can get? I’ll leave it. Though I occasionally would need a hug, but I’m not willing to pay that price. I value my freedom now that I have it.

Fuck you, 2011

Again it is this time of the year. It seems that every year I sit here wishing the next year is better than this one. I always seemed to think that this time it is all past me and now things are going to change for the better.

Not this year. This year has really been bad. I do not even really want to list how bad it has been, as it will look even worse than it has been. But here goes!

It all started on late November 2010, when I was told that I will not have a job anymore. At the time I did not think too much about it, as at that time my ex-boss said that we would be back by summer. I guess he forgot to say what year that would be. So now I’m getting desperate for a job. I really, really need a job soon.

But now this fall that I have been actively looking for a job it has dawned to me that it is not going to be that easy. It seems there are lots of us to go around right now. And that the years I have spent in my last job were a complete waste of time if you look it professionally. Nothing I have done there looks good on my resume. So I have to apply for jobs I have not done in years. Why would someone hire me if I would have to learn everything over again?

And then there is the issue of living where I do. And I really can not move again, I can not do it to DS. So I can imagine how those hiring employees would much rather take someone who lives nearby than someone living two hours away. I never even get that far that I could tell them I’ve done it before and it is very much doable.

So I’m getting lonely and very worried about money. I’m still getting unemployment, but the days are ticking away. It’s not a lot of money, but it is enough to make it through. But I can not buy anything extra. My computer is really old and I’, worried it will break for good any day now. I have not bought any new clothes for a full year now (or old ones for that matter). My camera is acting up and soon I will not be able to take any pictures with it. This chair I’m sitting on is evacuating all it’s stuffing and looks so sad. I would need a box for my car’s ABS brakes so that I can get it through the inspection the next time.

And it could get worse. If I do not get a job next year I will start getting much less. That money would barely be enough for the mortgage. Nothing more. No electricity, no water, no food. What the hell am I going to do then? It’s not like I’m not even trying to find anything now. There is little else I can do.

And this has been the year of death. First my dad died. Then this friend of mine. Then it seems that I failed to tell you I lost my brother in the summer. Or actually he was my half brother. He had been sick for a few years now, but still the end came a bit unexpected, just before midsummer. The funeral was on a very hot day in July. I just hope that is the end of it, I don’t need any more deaths.

I still have my mother, but she is really getting old. And she is losing her memory. Or lost, it’s not just going anymore. She has been diagnosed with alzheimers, so it is not going to get any better. This is what that late brother of mine had, too. So I do know what is coming and it is not pretty. She is living in an apartment now, on her own. She is still managing it, but I do not know for how long. When my dad was still alive there were people checking on them, but now that he is dead someone somewhere has decided my mom does not need help.

But she can no longer remember much. She still knows who I am and who DS is, so it’s not that bad just yet. But I worry. It seems that the places in old people’s homes are really hard to come by around here. So what happens when she gets so bad that she can not make it at home alone?

Once again I’m thinking that my life seems like it can not be true. How can these things keep happening to me? So now I have lost my ability to think positively. I can not take the falls anymore. You do not fall from high if you have no hopes.

But I do hope if there still is someone reading that your next year is a better one!

Go away, let me be

For some reason today is a really down day for me. I’m just so tired of everything. This moving things is really putting me down a lot and it seems that now is the time when I am questioning myself on if I really am doing the right thing. Or not even that, I’m questioning on what can I accomplish by going through with it. It is very likely the right thing, but it is also a very hard thing to do.

Today everything just seems so dark. I just want to pull the covers over my head and not get up at all. Just be all alone with myself for a day. Come to think of it has been a long time since I have actually spent a whole day without anyone else. I really would need that just to clear my thoughts. Or maybe not so much my thoughts, I think I would have to go through my feelings. Those are the real mess these days. I really need to sort them out.

This is one of those days when the thought of having to get up tomorrow feels like too much. I just want to take the easy way out and not to do anything to make my life even harder as it is right now. Oh well, not going to happen. I wonder how am I going to get through all this.

Why me?

I’m tired. I’m tired of having these feelings, again. Everything was going relatively well; I was beginning to think that I’ve found a place where I can think things rationally without having these annoying feelings in the way.

Somehow the universe must have heard my thoughts yesterday. I never said anything out loud, just thought to myself that I would be completely happy living all alone (well, actually with DS). Who cares about men anyway, I’ll be better off on my own. And I meant it; I really thought that I will stay away from men from now on.

So what changed then? This one man from work had been in a business trip all week so I had not seen him all week. I really thought he would not show up even today and I am going to be on holiday next week. I almost managed to convince myself that we could just be friends and forget everything else. Problem solved!

So the universe decided to remind me that I’m not getting off so easily. He showed up at work in the afternoon. I heard his voice. I saw him walking past my office twice. Not much you might say. Still it was enough to remind me that it’s going to be a lot longer before it can be forgotten. A lot longer. Maybe when I retire I can forget…

So there it is, the familiar knot in my stomach. I hate these feelings.  I’ve said it before but I’m saying it again: I want a pill to take so I can get rid of these feelings that are not getting me anywhere! I can fool myself into believing that I’m cured if I do not see him. But it only takes one look to find out how wrong I am.

This is going to be a long road. And I’m not happy to be the one travelling it.

Just another day

Um, I guess it is time for my monthly (or so) update on things. Evertyhing is pretty much in a holding pattern right now. The one thing that has gone forward is the looking for an apartment part, which now looks like it’s solved. I’m going to buy a flat! The interests are low, at least in this country, so there is no point in paying rent. That rent money is gone after it leaves your bank account and you will never see it again. But the mortgage payments will go towards something that is yours, so you can get at least some of it back if you decide to sell it someday.

It’s funny that I can not really say how I feel about this. One second I am sooooooo excited that I want to jump in joy. The next second I’m thinking about all the things that can go wrong, like losing my job and not getting another one near enough so that I could commute. I’m really, really scared about this and really looking forward to it.

And my parents are really getting old. I do worry about them. To me it is quite obvious that they can not live by themselves a lot longer. But for some reason it seems to be really difficult to get them somewhere where they would be taken care of. So to the authorities they are still well enough to live in their home. What if they do not want to live at that home anymore???

And work is, well, work. I hate paperwork but that is the only thing I’ve got right now. Right now I’m trying to make Excel do some calculations for me and it seems really difficult. I know there are many things you can do with it but how do I find out how?

So once again it seems that there is so much worry in my life that I can not feel anything. I just feel flat. Maybe it is some kind of a coping mechanism. If I really worried about all the things in my life right now I would go mad.

I can do this, I can do this

So the new year is here. Now I really have to start looking for a place to stay. Once again the first rush of excitement has passed, but this time I’m not giving up. This time I’m going to follow through with it.

But still it’s hard. I know I am doing the right thing, but doing it is going to hurt others. And I’m still very, very worried on how badly the soon-to-be-ex is going to flip. I’m sure many of you have read about this. I really believe he is not going to go that mad, but I can not be sure. He surely is overly jealous.

So I do not think I’m too cautious about him. He has not been physically violent towards me or anyone else, but I’m not completely sure he is not going to do anything. I guess I just have to do whatever I have to and worry about those things should they emerge.

But I can not help but be a bit worried. This could all blow up on my face. I have to consider the possibility that he is not going to be able to deal with it. So would I rather be dead than live my life this way?

What? Christmas? Sorry, that's the last thing on my mind right now

This not going to be easy, not by any measure. I’m still very much afraid of the consequences of my decision. But deep in my heart I know that it must be done. This life I have now is not really a life. The only way to have a life of my own is to move elsewhere. I have been facing this dead end for years now and refusing to accept it for what it is.

Now that I can see it clearly, I’m still not happy about what it means. I know for sure that if I’m ever going to be happy again I have to leave, now. It will hurt not just me but others as well. If I did not have DS things would be easier, now I have to deal with it in such a way that I can maintain at least some level of communication with his father. I can not just slam the door and never see him again, that is just not an option.

I’m sure I will have no trouble in relating to him in a decent way. I’m just as sure of the fact that he will have a lot of trouble doing the same. I really just hope he can get over it, but I’m not holding my breath. I guess I will just have to deal with it. I just hope it will not be too bad…

One thing I do know is that I will have to shut my cell phone at night. If I fail to do that, I will most certainly be getting drunken phone calls. And when I manage to get that place of my own I need to move there fast, because every day in this house after that will be pure pain. I’m a bit afraid to ask people here to help me move, but I will have to get someone. I’m afraid he will be putting up quite a show… But I have to trust that he will not actually grab anyone. Oh dear, let’s really hope he will not physically attack anyone.

But even this can not keep me from moving. I’m going anyway, it’s for a long time just been a matter of time. And now I have decided that the time is now. Not any later.