My number is too big

A lot of time has passed. Soon it will be two years from the day I left. It does not feel like it has been that long. But I’m totally sure it was the best solution for everybody. I do not have to live in fear all the time. But the fear is not gone completely away, as we have to get along because we have DS. Just today I took him to see his dad. I always expect the worst and never really want to go there. But the ex has behaved well. Sometimes he calls me and is obviously drunk. That I do not really like, but I try to behave, too.

But the motivation to write this post is that I have been having these weird dreams. Well, dreams never really are logical. But for some reason I have lately had several dreams in which I am with a man. When I am awake I do not mind being alone or more correctly that there are just me and DS. But these dreams make me wonder.

And the other weird thing in these dreams is that the men seen in them are not ones I would ever in a million years make out with when I am awake. If I can say who the man in the dream is, usually he is someone I would refuse to touch. But in two recent dreams I could not say who the men were. Yes, different men in different nights.

But when I woke up it felt like something is missing. Like I did not want to wake up. Like I wanted to remember how good it felt to really fuck someone. To cuddle up with someone. To have someone to hug.

All that has been missing from my life for a long time. As you know if you have been reading my blog, it was missing long before I left. I have stopped counting how many years it has been now. And most days I do not even think about it.

And then there are days like these. And I do not like it. I would much rather be happily alone. Because starting a new relationship is never a smooth ride. Sure, the feeling is great if you find someone to fall in love with. But the hurt is also very real. Come to think of it, being in love is more about the hurt than the good feeling. At least for me it has been.

And I hate the looking. I absolutely hate it. I do not want to actively look for love. Because I do not believe it comes from looking. But the reality is that I do not meet people while I am unemployed. And if the plans come true and I start to sell nail polish – well, let’s say if that attracts men I most likely do not want to get involved with them.

So I have registered to one or two dating things. One in Facebook and one other. Both would want money to see pictures or to contact people. But I do not want to pay. So I kind of just have the profile there and sometimes go there to see if anyone has contacted me.

So far nothing has come along that has made me want to send a reply. I get messages from men that are 15 years older than me. And if someone closer to my age contacts me they sound 15 years older than me. Sure, age is just a number. But in my case it means that I am not as old as my age suggests. I’ve always been slow in everything. When girls my age started going to parties I still played with barbies. When others my age started drinking and smoking and getting all grown up I stayed home and watched TV. When others my age had boyfriends and had sex, I was still hoping for my first kiss. I’m not sure if I ever told you, but I lost my virginity at the age 20.

So even though age is just a number, I really doubt I can find a man 15 years older than me that lost his virginity at the age of 35. And even if I do, I doubt I would want to socialize with him. So that is the problem with online dating. Everyone looks at you age. And I find most people my age old. I feel most comfortable around people that are 10 years younger than me. I know many people that are around 30 and I get so well along with them. Then once in a bar I saw someone I had not seen in years. He is a year younger than me, but he had turned old. It felt so strange.

So should I lie about my age? No, that is not what I want to do. So my options are severely limited. I do not go out to meet people, I can not find men in online dating services. So I will most likely continue being alone. And most days I do not mind. I will still rather be alone than in a bad relationship.

You always see advice that you should lower your expectations so you can find someone. But what is the point? Living in a half-ass relationship really does not make your life great. So is the advice to take anyone you can get? I’ll leave it. Though I occasionally would need a hug, but I’m not willing to pay that price. I value my freedom now that I have it.