Trying to find my way back to normal reality

I know I have said that if you do not hear from me that means that things are going relatively well. Sadly that has not been the case now; things are going straight to hell. Every time when I think that things can not get much worse than this they do.

Let’s begin from last November. That was when I was told that I will not have a job after 31st of December. Just what I needed with my newly taken mortgage and everything. What bothered me even more about this is that some people got to keep their jobs that many people thought were a lot less deserving.

So now I’m just hoping they manage to get new projects going and I’ll get to go back. Of course I’m keeping my eyes open for other opportunities but sadly those are few and far between here. And moving is out of the question. At least for now, we’ll see about that if I’m not getting a job before all my money runs out.

That was one huge blow in itself. It also meant that I would lose most of my social (real life) contacts as I do not really have friends here. At least at work I got to talk to grown up people every day. The one thing that has kept me sane in all this is that one co-worker got laid off at the same time. We have been visiting each other and thinking of ways to make money. But so far we have not come up with anything feasible.

Then, as this had not been enough to deal with, my dad died. Of course he was 101 years old so that was not really a surprise. But he was still my dad, so of course it hit hard. For a few weeks I really could not concentrate on anything. But I had to, as he needed a funeral. But I do hate it when people give their condolences. What does it mean? And most people just say the words without meaning it. I highly doubt that the cashier at the bank is really so sorry that my dad died. At least you could find any other words than that one, condolences.

I really thought that getting through the funeral would make it all go away and let me regain my life. I never, ever thought that there would be something unclear about who gets what. I knew that my dad did not have much money or anything. But now it seems that one of my half brothers seems to think it is horribly unfair that he is not getting much. It sounded to me that in his opinion my mom (not his, she has been dead for decades) should have divided her money to these half brothers of mine. Why the hell would she do that??? So now I’m not sure what he’ll do. Great, like I needed more things to worry about…

And while it might seem like a small thing compared to all this, I just found out last weekend that my latest crush is still far from being over just yet. Damn. I have wanted it to be over for a long time. Like two and a half years now. There is still no chance of anything ever coming out of it, so it is just a waste of time. But I no matter how often I keep telling me this the feelings just refuse to go away. So I have just given up and started hoping for someone else to fall for. It’s just that you can not just decide to fall for someone, it either happens or does not happen. So there is no guessing on when this might actually happen, now that I barely even see other people.

And I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m afraid to think this is the worst it gets, because I’ve been proven wrong too many times in the last months. It is strange how you think that I can not take anymore, get hit with something once again and notice that I’m still alive and kicking. I’ve been bent badly, but I have not snapped – yet.


2 responses to “Trying to find my way back to normal reality

  1. So far, 2011 isn’t really a good year for you.
    I don’t quite know what to say, except I’m listening. I hope things improve soon.

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