Where do I go from here?

Oh well, it seems that I cannot just shut up. So I’ll start writing and we’ll see once again where this ends up.

At least my stress level seems to have gone down. I do not drink that much anymore. We did have a sauna party with my co-workers last Friday and I did get drunk. But I cannot say when the last time I was actually drunk was. It used happen almost every weekend, now I just don’t feel like it anymore. It’s much nicer to have time to do everything than just hanging around feeling not too great.

But having a place of my own still comes with all kinds of worries. Money is a lot tighter these days and it seems really hard to keep my spending under control. And my job is not that secured either, so there is no telling when it ends. Then I’m in deep shit.

DS seems to be taking this well. He has started in a new school and at least says that it is much better than the last one. I had promised him that he can continue in his old school but luckily he wanted to go to a school closer to our home.

But for some reason he really, really puts up a fight every time he is scheduled to visit his dad. He was there while I was partying with co-workers and I was late because I had to talk him into going. He gets so bored there that he does not want to go. I had to bribe him into going, which I know is bad as he can get used to it.

It also really hit me that now I’m really alone. And my chances of ever finding a man again are from slim to none. I’m not willing to be with someone just so that I’m not alone. I know how good it can feel being with someone and that does not happen that often. But even when I feel that I’d love to have someone the reality is that it would be extremely hard right now. This all has left big scars into me and I’m not sure if they can ever be healed.

So I’m trying to adjust to the thought that I will be spending the rest of my life alone. Not really something I look forward to, but it still beats being in that dead-end marriage. I did not get any hugs or kisses there either, so not that much has changed. I guess it’s just that now I can think about being with someone else as I have left that ex behind.

But who knows, life does have its surprises. There is no way of knowing what will happen. I have just promised myself that I will not settle for something that does not make my heart sing and even if I find something that does I will not be the one running after someone if they are not interested in me. I know that is a lot to ask but I’ll rather be alone then.


3 responses to “Where do I go from here?

  1. I agree with LutC. And, frankly, you need time to just be. Be happy lonely scared loving, whatever it takes. I think you don’t give yourself enough credit for getting out of a bad situation, for taking care of your son, for making really hard choices that a lot of people don’t make, because it’s easier not to.

    Kudos to you!

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