I’m tired. I’m tired of having these feelings, again. Everything was going relatively well; I was beginning to think that I’ve found a place where I can think things rationally without having these annoying feelings in the way.
Somehow the universe must have heard my thoughts yesterday. I never said anything out loud, just thought to myself that I would be completely happy living all alone (well, actually with DS). Who cares about men anyway, I’ll be better off on my own. And I meant it; I really thought that I will stay away from men from now on.
So what changed then? This one man from work had been in a business trip all week so I had not seen him all week. I really thought he would not show up even today and I am going to be on holiday next week. I almost managed to convince myself that we could just be friends and forget everything else. Problem solved!
So the universe decided to remind me that I’m not getting off so easily. He showed up at work in the afternoon. I heard his voice. I saw him walking past my office twice. Not much you might say. Still it was enough to remind me that it’s going to be a lot longer before it can be forgotten. A lot longer. Maybe when I retire I can forget…
So there it is, the familiar knot in my stomach. I hate these feelings. I’ve said it before but I’m saying it again: I want a pill to take so I can get rid of these feelings that are not getting me anywhere! I can fool myself into believing that I’m cured if I do not see him. But it only takes one look to find out how wrong I am.
This is going to be a long road. And I’m not happy to be the one travelling it.