I know it seems that I change my direction like a windmill. I know that. But believe me, it’s not fun to be in this windmill.
For some reason things just happen once again. It seems my whole life has just been a series of just happenings. Things just are rolling ahead with little effort on my part
I just have to believe this is something that is meant to happen. I know I have talked about this before. But somehow the feeling is so strong. Things just happen. Of course I could fight it. I have in the past. But looking at where that fighting took me I’m not so sure I should do that.
I’m just afraid that even when this might be that biggest change I’m going to make in my life I do not have a thing to tide me over. When I was laid off the first time I had music. When I first decided that this relationship is over I had a different kind of music. But now I do not have any recent discovery.
So what will tide me over this change? I know this is not going to be easy. Not by any measure. This is going to hurt people besides me.
So why do I feel so detached again? Like this is all happening to someone else and not me? Like I’m just watching all this from outside?
I want to feel again. Even if it’s pain.