This not going to be easy, not by any measure. I’m still very much afraid of the consequences of my decision. But deep in my heart I know that it must be done. This life I have now is not really a life. The only way to have a life of my own is to move elsewhere. I have been facing this dead end for years now and refusing to accept it for what it is.
Now that I can see it clearly, I’m still not happy about what it means. I know for sure that if I’m ever going to be happy again I have to leave, now. It will hurt not just me but others as well. If I did not have DS things would be easier, now I have to deal with it in such a way that I can maintain at least some level of communication with his father. I can not just slam the door and never see him again, that is just not an option.
I’m sure I will have no trouble in relating to him in a decent way. I’m just as sure of the fact that he will have a lot of trouble doing the same. I really just hope he can get over it, but I’m not holding my breath. I guess I will just have to deal with it. I just hope it will not be too bad…
One thing I do know is that I will have to shut my cell phone at night. If I fail to do that, I will most certainly be getting drunken phone calls. And when I manage to get that place of my own I need to move there fast, because every day in this house after that will be pure pain. I’m a bit afraid to ask people here to help me move, but I will have to get someone. I’m afraid he will be putting up quite a show… But I have to trust that he will not actually grab anyone. Oh dear, let’s really hope he will not physically attack anyone.
But even this can not keep me from moving. I’m going anyway, it’s for a long time just been a matter of time. And now I have decided that the time is now. Not any later.