I often spend time thinking about why things happen the way they do. Is everything just a coincidence? So many times you can think back and say wow, if it wasn’t for that this would never have happened. What is it then? Just blind chance? Destiny, fate, whatever you like to call it? Intuition?
Somehow it comforts me to think that things happen for a reason. That they are meant to happen the way they do. That it’s not just that shit happens. That there is some purpose for all that I have been through in my life. That there is still something waiting for me, something good.
Let me tell you about the chain of events that has taken me to where I am now. I think we have to go back to my last year in school when I had to decide what I’m going to be when I grow up. Back then I was dating someone and thought I was so in love with him. So I did not want to move too far from him, so I decided to apply for an university nearby so I could see him on weekends. Well, that relationship ended before I even got my papers out of that school but I had already applied so I started my studies in this nearby university. If I had not been dating I could have applied to another university much father away and my life would be something completely different now.
Now that I was studying so near to my childhood home I used to come there during weekends. I could eat my mom’s food and even take some with me when I returned. So of course I was socializing with people that lived here. And that is now I ended up with soon-to-be-ex. It was clear that he was not going to move to the same city with me, so I had to move back to the city where I was born. There is no way I would otherwise have come back as this city is quite small and the jobs in my field are few and far between.
I was still having a job in the city I had studied in. Which meant spending a lot of time in the train every day. But as I said, jobs around here are not so easy to find. Then there was an opportunity to start doing most of the work in a really small office in the same town, as one other employee of the company was moving here, too. Of course I grabbed it, this was really a dream come true. Then I got pg and had DS which made it a must, I would not be able to commute that far again. And not much later I got laid off. Because I was working in this remote office with a couple of others and we were all fired. I’m rather sure I would have kept my job if I had been working in the big city. I really loved that job and would most likely have stayed there for a long time had the decision not been made for me.
So there I was, not really having much choice in jobs. I was unemployed for about half a year. By that time I was willing to grab just about anything that came my way. Then I saw that there was a possibility to work as a researcher for the university I graduated from but in my own city. Of course I applied! Not really surprisingly I got chosen for the job. When I accepted it I thought that I’ll just hang around for three years as that was how long the project was lasting. Three years have passed already, but I’m still here.
So the about two years ago I started playing that online game that made me realize I can not live with that man anymore. Unfortunately I could not break free back then, and I’m still looking for a way out. But the decision was made then.
As you know I turned 40 last year. I was going to celebrate it by taking a few days off and going for a cruise. In fact I had already reserved it. But then there was this project at work that was going to have a steering group meeting on the day I was going to leave for the cruise. I then asked if I had to be there then and my boss said that I have to. Damn, so I have to cancel the trip. And then we arranged to have a meeting on the next day making it sure I could not go. In the end I never saw anyone from that steering group meeting making it totally unnecessary for me to be there that day. And the meeting scheduled for the next day was cancelled, too. But no cruise for me.
I was not going to go to the office Christmas party when I first heard about it. I was going to be coming back from the cruise that day and you can not be in two places at once, can you. But as the trip had to be cancelled I first thought to arrange some kind of a celebration for Friday anyway. But that was the day of the Christmas party, so what to do. Well, I think I may have said that this workplace is not big on arranging activities for the personnel, so I thought that I’m not going to miss out on the only free food/booze I’m getting all year. So I signed up.
And the rest you can read here. Quite a chain, isn’t it? But what is the purpose of all this? It’s not that I’m now happy or anything. I’m sure I would be a lot happier right now if I had gone on the cruise instead of the Christmas party. Why did all of this happen? What is the meaning of all this? Why am I being put through all this right now?
I can only hope the answer will be revealed to me one day. Right now it is really hard to think of any good reason for this.