Can you fake pain?

Tomorrow is my last day at work before my summer holiday. Then I can just be for four weeks! I have not planned it very much, the only thing I know is that we will have our traditional trip to Helsinki. It still remains to be seen how many people there will be going, but at least me and DS.

I just hope I can enjoy the vacation. There are still so many things on my mind. Too many questions unanswered. Little things that make me wonder if I’m making things up or did something actually change. I know I’m once again overanalyzing things.

Maybe I should just ask so that I could get a peace of mind. Then again that plan backfired badly just before Christmas last year. I really have to ask myself which is worse, knowing for sure that all hope is lost or living in this uncertainty. But the slim chance that everything is not hopeless attracts me like a flame attracts a moth.

When will I ever learn? How many times must I burn my wings before I can accept the fact that this is the way it is?

I know I’m terribly bad in reading people. But I think I can recognize the look in someone when they look at something they desperately want but can not have: the look in an infertile woman’s eyes when they look at a visibly pregnant woman. That pain is all too familiar to me. And I think I have seen it. But then again, I could be wrong. Still, that is the hope I have. Can I just let it go?


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