If it at least was warm and sunny outside but no, cold and windy

My heart is so really heavy these days. I feel like crying all the time. I just read through some of my recent posts, and they all seem to revolve around the same thing. But here is a quick recap on the things I have written to you about!

The princess party was held despite the fact that my friend spent time in hospital. And it was not really as bad as I expected it to be. But I did not think it was the best party ever. I’m still happy for my friend and all that really matters is that she liked the party very much. I was not sure if she’d like my present to her, but it at least seemed like it was not a complete miss. I’m funny that way, I get real enjoyment on buying people presents they like getting. To me it’s not just the thought that counts; I want to make people happy.

The office sauna party went, too. And there is nothing to report. He never showed up. I can think of several reasons why, but I will never find out which one is the real one. So I’m just going to assume that he never came because he knew I was going to be there. And it is not a good thought. So now, knowing me, it is very hard to let go and not dig out the reason. My rational mind knows that I’m right in thinking I’m the reason he did not show up and knowing it for sure is just going to make me feel worse. But can I keep me from trying to find out? Well, that remains to be seen. It doesn’t look good.

And now I should somehow find a festive spirit for the midsummer celebrations. I’m quite sure that is totally impossible. Who cares anyway, it has been many, many years since this festival has been fun for me. So I was not expecting it to be especially great. But I was not expecting to be swallowing a big lump in my throat all the time either.

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