Waiting is hard if you do not know what you are waiting for

Life really is quite boring. It really seems that the good days are few and far from each other, at least for now. I often find myself thinking that is this really what my life will be for the next 40 years or whatever it is what is left. I sometimes think there is light at the end of the tunnel, but it always manages to fade away before I can reach it.

Maybe it’s just that I manage to make my life more complicated than it really is. Maybe I should just stop thinking about it so much. But that is not something that is easily achieved. My life sucks because I know it could be a lot better. Knowing that makes it worse.

So I just drag myself from one day to another. There really is nothing to be looking forward to. I’m going to start my summer vacation soon, but I’m not even looking forward to that. It’s just going to be boring, the only trip we are going to make is the same we always do, going to see some relatives and visiting an amusement park. The rest of the vacation is going to consist of cleaning, cleaning, cleaning and playing WoW. Yeah, sounds like a great vacation, doesn’t it.

The pit is calling my name again. It’s just so hard to point out the reason why it does it this time. Therefore it is a bit frightening, as there is no knowing when it will let me out again. This time I do not have the confidence that it will eventually let me go. I’m afraid that this time it’s going to keep me there. Or at least hold me for a very long time.

I wish I just had something to look forward to. Something fun to expect. Something I could count days to. But at this point of my life everything I have ahead of me looks gray. Not black but gray. Dull. Without any joy. Can I really take that for 40 years?


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