A week and a day away

I hate this mess otherwise known as my life. What bothers me the most is my inability to find a way out of my situation. So that means that everything remains the same. Sure, sometimes everything is tolerable, but it can never be great.

It seems I have way too much time to think. Way too much. I play all kinds of different scenarios in my head. But the only thing that is sure is that whatever I imagine would happen never does. Always something unexpected happens.

So now I’m preparing for a sauna party where we have invited all people from this workplace. Yes, that means him, too. And I’m so worried it is going to end in a disaster. Then again he just might not show up at all if I am reading him correctly. As I’ve said, he really seems to be uncomfortable around me lately. So if he is uncomfortable enough, he might not come at all.

But I’m assuming I will not be that lucky. Then there is a possibility that all goes to hell. I could make a total ass out of myself, and I’m really worried that I’m going to do just that. Give me a little alcohol and anything can happen. So I keep telling me that I really, really have to stay away from him no matter what. I will only talk to him is he comes to talk to me first.

What puzzles me the most is that how in hell did it get to this. It all went reasonably well up until that one day I mentioned when we happened to end up in the same room for five minutes or so. What did I do wrong? Or am I just seeing things where there is nothing to be seen? Why does he not even say hi to me anymore? Looks the other way if I happen to catch his eye? But seems to be looking at me when he passes by and thinks that I’m not looking at him? Sometimes lets out a heavy sigh when I happen to accidentally end up near him? What the hell happened there?

Most likely I will not be getting any answers. But all the elements of disaster are there. I just have to keep my act together no matter what. I must not break down and let all of my co-workers see what a fool I am. It is hard enough to work here now after what happened at the Christmas party. It would be even worse if everyone knew. Now it’s just me and him – and that really is bad enough.

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