In between

It really is funny how hard it is to find someone who likes you as much as you like him. To me it seems that nature made some kind of fault when designing men (as in humans). I think that I have read many times scientific (or at least semi scientific) articles on how we look for genes that are as far away from ours as can be found.

Well, then tell me how it is possible that so many times the crushes are one sided? If your genes think mine would be a good match to yours, why do my genes say no way? And vice versa? It does not compute.

All this has become painfully clear to me again. Last week I was in a training related to my involvement in local politics. I’ve done this for four years now, but this is the first training I’ve been to.

The training was held in a city not that far away from here, about 150 kilometers. It was a two day training, so the others decided that we stay overnight. I would have wanted to come home for the night as it was not really that far away. But I agreed to stay there because everyone else was staying, too.

I’ve said it before that I’m really not that good in noticing if someone is interested in me. I did not think much of it in the morning when the others had divided who goes to what car when I was not there yet. Now when I think back I should have noticed that look on the building inspectors face when I got into his car…

Well, everything was as always up until the evening, when we had a dinner (with wine, of course). Many of the men had already taken a few drinks before that. Well, nothing special there either. But some kind of alarm should have gone off in my head at the point where the men started planning where to go to for the rest of the evening. One of them really wanted to go to someplace where there is possibility to dance (meaning waltz and tango and stuff like that). I do not really care for that kind of music so I was not really sure if I wanted to go. I remember that same building inspector saying at some point that I surely must go with them. Well, being too early to go to sleep and nothing to do at the hotel I finally agreed to go.

At the dance I did not really want to dance with anybody. But I have been told that it is really not an option to refuse if someone asks you to dance. Luckily that night it was the ladies’ turn to ask, so I got to sit in peace most of the time. I only danced three times, once with each of the men at our table. The first one was not familiar to me in advance; he just happened to be in the same training and tagged along. He did give me a couple of big wet kisses on the cheek and then he said he was so sorry. Well, I’m not going to see him ever again so that was easily brushed aside.

The second man I danced with was luckily just interested in dancing. And he was rather good at it, too. The real problems only started when I danced with that inspector. The dancing itself went… well, as well as it can go after about a half a dozen drinks. It was only after we got back to the table. We had been sitting in adjacent chairs the whole evening, but now he suddenly grabbed me in a one armed hug and started squeezing every now and then.

Enter panic mode. This is someone I have to get along to in the future, too. I can not just punch him in the face and leave. I can’t just tell him to fuck the hell off and take your damn hand away from my shoulder. I have to find another way out of this situation.

So I did what I could: run. I became suddenly reeeeally, reeeeeeeally tired and wanted to go to the hotel. Like right now. Don’t even want to finish my drink. Out. Now. Run away. Luckily I managed to get to the hotel room with my (female) roommate even though the inspector tried to follow us. That was a bit too close for comfort.

But the damage was done. I can not act normally around him anymore. Now all I can think is that how long he has been eyeing me before he made his move. And there is no way you can ever make me drink in the same table with him again. It really makes me sick in my stomach. My genes are really, really, really not compatible with his. No fucking way. Makes me want to vomit even thinking about it.

And then there was yesterday here at work. I was starting to think that I’m finally totally over my foolish crush on that colleague. I really thought so! But yesterday he came into a room where I already was to talk about a work related issue. There were four people in that room. A normal sized office room, not that big. Everything goes just fine when I do not have to be that close to him, I was really ignoring him already. But just a few minutes in the same room and I found out that it is far from being forgotten just yet.

As I’ve explained to you there is no way anything is ever going to come out of it, so I have been actively trying to forget. But it’s not so easy to tell that to your genes or whatever it is that thinks that he has a perfect match. But then again how can it be perfect if he is not interested?

Being in the both sides of the equation is not fun. How can I react normally to that man who has developed some kind of interest to me? Now even shaking his hand makes me shiver with disgust. And even the bigger question, how on earth can I act normally around that man who I seem to still have a crush on? As I know how bad it is to be on the receiving side I do not want to make him feel the disgust. I know, a bit too late for that. All I can say is that he was not that reluctant on the night of that Christmas party. He was perfectly willing back then. But I have to hide the fact that I’m not over that night just yet, as I really do not want to make him feel uncomfortable. Which is what he seems to be if I interpret him correctly. Damn.

Genes. You really can not trust them. At least for me it has always been really difficult to find love that is not one-sided. It has always been like this, the boys/men I would like do not even look my way and the boys/men I could not care much less about are all over me. What kind of a wussie magnet am I really? I always seem to attract men that are like lost puppy dogs and I absolutely hate those. My man has to be social, fun and drive fast. Why can I never have one of those?


One response to “In between

  1. I think I haven’t been in that position for over 15 years. But I remember finding it horrid, when it did happen last.
    I hope you can shake that awful fealing soon, on both sides.

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