Again I am at a point where I hate my life. Yes, I know, I have been here often enough. At least if you just read what I’m writing here. For some reason I always seem to be writing here when things go to hell. So if I disappear for a long time and do not write it means that things are going somewhat nicely. So if you look at it that way, my life is more tolerable at times.
But now I’m hitting a low point again. Really low. The boost on my self esteem was quite temporary, now there is nothing left of it. I’m still old. I’m still fat. I’m still ugly. I’m still the one who does not turn men’s heads when I walk the streets.
If I have to find one good thing that has come out of this it is my newly found interest in skiing. And by that I mean cross-country skiing. I bought me a pair of new skis, my old ones were at least 25 years old.
Now I know this does not seem to make any sense. Let me explain. I had been thinking about buying new skis for a long time but never got around to really doing it. But it was this co-worker I have been talking about who asked me if I even owned skis. It seems that he likes to go skiing on weekends, but he has trouble finding anyone go to with him. I think this can kinda be interpreted (I know I should not be doing this!!) that he was asking me to go with him. He did not actually say that, but that is the impression I got.
Now I know that would be a really bad idea to go anywhere with him, as that would just feed the feelings I have, so he does not even know I bought the skis. And I’m not planning on telling him. So I’m just going to go alone, or actually have done that a few times already. And I had forgotten how good it makes you feel. Well, if you can find a place that is flat enough that is. My ass is a bit sore from falling three times last weekend as the skis went too fast downhill!
So now I’m going to focus on losing weight. That would take care of the fat part. I know there is little to do about my age and I’m not going to turn pretty. But I might be able to get into the not-too-bad category if I managed to loose at least some of the extra weight. My goal is to get into the normal body weight BMI which means about 15 kg. It is doable, but it is not going to be easy.