I feel like I think way too much. I keep analyzing every bit of information I have: what he said, how he said it, how did he look or not look at me… And somehow my mind always manages to turn it around to mean something. Every little thing means something. Even when I very well know that most likely it does not mean anything. Most things do not have any specific meaning. I hate myself for doing this. And yet I can not stop doing it. I really have to stop.
This is really not the first time I’m doing this. Not by a long shot. I think it all boils down to my own insecurities, which you should know are plenty. My self esteem is nonexistent. Well, it was until that little boost it got in late November. Now even that has been wearing off. So now I know that it is possible to drink me pretty, but the effect does not last after the alcohol wears off.
So after all I just managed to hurt myself. Everyone else seems to have come out of this without a scratch. Yeah, stupid me to believer what he said when drunk. None of it was valid the next day. Stupid me for not being able to just let it go but having to dig in as deep as I can. I could still have my daydreams if I did not have to find out if any of the things he said were true. I always thought that if you have feelings for someone those do not just suddenly go away as soon as you sober up. But it seems that I was wrong, it seems to be just my oddity. Yes, many people find one night stands from bars but I thought that if someone talks about feelings and seeing another time that would not go away with the alcohol. But this time it did. And I got hurt. And I still can not stop thinking what if. What if he is lying to me? I have to stop, because this is just hurting me more. Tell me there are no what ifs. It’s all in my head, once again.
Everything was ok during the Christmas, as I was away from work for almost three weeks. Then it was easier not to think about it. But now I’m back to work. Tell me how is it possible to work in the same place with someone for years and not really even see him there and then suddenly it seems that he is always there! Today has been especially “bad” day, causing me to write this. I have been overanalyzing everything today. This is really, really hard on me. I can hear him in the next room right now.
But it still kinda gives me hope. Maybe, just maybe, I could find someone who does not have to drink me pretty and I do not have drink nice. I know, that is a lot to ask. And it sure as hell is not fun to be waiting for that day!