How come I always manage to make my life such a mess? I really don’t know what to think these days. That Christmas party incident has really thrown me badly off course. I had succumbed to my life being what it is until DS grows up a bit more. Now, once again, I’m deeply questioning that decision.
If you have been following my story for any length of time you should already know that our marriage is totally over. There is nothing left. Absolutely nothing that there should be between a man and a woman. I can deal with being in the same room with him when sober, but I can not stand the sight of him when he is drunk. And he always manages to say something that makes my blood boil.
But now I have found feelings inside of me. I did not even know they existed. It took me by surprise and I panicked. Now that some time has passed the panic is gone, but it seems that the newly awoken feelings are harder to suppress. I almost managed it already and would most likely have succeeded in it if I did not see him every day at work.
I’m sure you can see my dilemma by now. What I desperately want to do and what I can do are not compatible right now. And I can not see any way to make them compatible without making drastic changes.
I did not plan this. I never wanted this to happen. As I said before, someone is going to get hurt. It’s just that I still do not know who it will be. Most likely just me, once again. I’m hurting inside so bad. No option seems like a good one right now.