I can’t wait to get out of this house, I’m afraid that I’m going to be out of this house soon. Fear and anticipation, both are present. I’ve talked about the need to get out, let’s talk about the fear of getting out for a change.
I’m afraid that I will have to spend the rest of my life alone. Not that I’m really having anyone even now. Right now I’m absolutely sure that I can not find a man I would want to be with. Right now I’m not even sure if I’d want to live with another man ever again. Some kind of a fuckbuddy would probably be nice, but having to actually be serious with someone is a different thing.
It’s just that so many things would have to click. First of all I would have to be interested; I would have to fall in love. And judging from past experiences that does not happen every day. Or every month. Or even every five years. And there is very little I can do about that. It’s not something you can just decide to do: ”OK, today I’m going to fall in love with that man.” That’s just not how it goes.
I’ve had time to think about what it is in a man that makes me fall for him. And I have noticed a few trends. I’m not saying that looks are the deciding factor (because it’s not) but it is just rather easy to list the things that usually make me weak in the knees. The most important thing is eyes. They have to be grey or blue. Somewhat greenish is also acceptable. I could never see me dating a man with brow eyes. I can not explain it, but that’s the way it is. And hair should preferably be dark. Dark hair and blue eyes and I’ll be willing to find out if there’s more to it.
But that’s not all. Oh no, that is just the beginning. The man should also have a quick wit. He should use it to make me laugh. So his sense of humor should be similar to mine. I especially like it when someone twists words in a funny way. This is a bit hard to explain in English, I could give you examples in Finnish but not really in English. Not that it keeps me from tying, though. What I mean is that words usually have more than one meaning. And you can see from the context which one is the one in this sentence. But I find it extremely funny if someone deliberately understands some words wrong. A bit like this. Or this!
So make me laugh and I’m yours. If I have to explain the joke to you, I can not be with you. Come to think of it, if I have to explain anything to you in great detail you are not the one for me. I like to use words I’m meaning the opposite of. I can for example say that yeah, I’m so reeeeally tall. Which I really am not, I’m really short. If someone can not understand that I’m joking, I’m sorry but you can not be my man. Understand what I mean and you have a chance.
This is not all, there is also that part that can not be explained or put into words. But I know that if the things above fail there is little chance. And I know I have not met many men in my whole lifetime that fit that description.
So let’s pretend I have found such a man. But as we all know, that is just the first half of it. One-sided love it about the only thing worse than no love at all. So that someone would have to fall for me, too. And I’m not pretty. I’m not tall. I’m not thin. I’m not young. The only thing I do have is what’s inside and big boobs. So I would have a lot better chance of finding a man if I was not this ugly. It’s not like men have been running after me ever. Not even when I was younger. I’ll admit, I was not particularly thin even then. Now I have put on more kilos and I can’t seem to be able to get rid of them.
Hanging around in the IRC channels has not made me feel any better about myself. The men there ooze over the young and thin and good looking women. Then they laugh at the links where there are not-so-pretty people or fat people. Really, I have to make another post about this. I’m getting way too far from my original subject here.
And even if I found someone I like and against all odds he likes me, there are still obstacles to cross. He would have to be free. At this age it’s not that certain anymore. Most are married by now. Well, I know that would not stop many of the men anyway. I just do not want to have any part in something like that, not in the long run. I might be fun for a while, but I’m sure it gets old really fast.
Then there are the (possible) kids. DS is still my number one. If I can not find someone who gets along with him then it’s a no go. And many people my age already have kids of their own. And as I’ve said before, I do not do well with other people’s kids. Maybe if I could find someone younger than me he would not have kids yet. I would not mind dating a younger man. But that opens a new can of worms then. I have no idea if I’m even capable of having kids on my own. And I’m not getting any younger. Sure, in theory I still have a few years left. But what about practice?
Like that all is not enough, there still is the question of living here in the middle of nowhere. I’m pretty sure that if I am ever even going to find that someone he is not from here. Ah, let me rephrase that: he could actually very well be from here but living somewhere else at the moment. And, as I have said before, DS wants to stay in the same school. So it means that I’m not moving very far. How to find someone who would be willing to come here if they made it out already?
As you can see, I’ve had a lot of time to think about these things. And right now it seems totally impossible that everything clicks. Totally. Come on, universe; prove to me once again how wrong I am! I dare you!