So this is 2008. Once again the year starts with a low note. Hopefully it will go up in key, but I doubt it. Christmas itself was not too bad, it could have been much worse. All the essentials were there, we had a tree and decorations and Santa brought presents. We ate ham and casseroles and other things usually found in Finnish tables at Christmas. I was afraid that DH would make a scene at some point, but he did not. So I’m hoping it felt like the real thing for DS. I could not get in the spirit this time, but that’s not what is important.
Oh how I wish that what I meant in the last post was that I have to tough it out until next summer. Oh no. What I meant was that he wants to stay in that school as long as he can. Which means five and a half more years. That’s a long time, and I can not see me staying for that long.
Right now I’m afraid of weekends. I do not want to be afraid. Some weekends have gone by nicely, but not all of them. Things usually are not too bad if DH stays sober, but when he gets drunk things change. And then it’s not fun to be there anymore. He can get very nasty.
If it weren’t for DS, I would be long gone by now. I would not take this one more day. But DS makes things complicated. And I have to put my needs aside. I’m just hoping that one day I find a place of my own where I can move – and it does not take over five years of this hell.
Right now I have little energy to do anything. Everything just seems so hopeless right now. How can I get out of this situation? Once again, luckily I do have DS. He is the only thing keeping me alive right now. And that’s why I will not consider leaving without him.