I can’t even break up properly. Things are on hold for now. Why? Because DS wants to stay in the same school he is in now. Which means I can not just take any available rental apartment. It must be in the same area, which of course is not so simple. This is a rural area, so rental homes are not something you have plenty of. Damn it!
So now I have decided to wait before I really start looking for a place to stay. It could take a long time to find a suitable apartment, which is not what I was planning on doing. I’m still trapped. I try but I can still not break free. I could have left DH ages ago, but you can not make me go without DS. I will not leave without him.
So I’m feeling quite down now. Very down to be exact. I’m trying to get things done for Christmas but it does not really feel like it. There will be Christmas as usual, but the joy will not be there.
And it does not make things any easier that my dad is still in the hospital. And not doing too great. In fact they called last Sunday and seemed to think he would not live to see the next day. Well, they have been wrong so far.
This has been very different from the last time he was in the hospital about a year ago. Then I was worried all the time. Maybe it is because so much is happening in my life that I do not have energy to worry, but I can not feel as worried as I was then. I will be sad when the time comes, worrying now can not make things all better.
I have to hope that there will be happier times ahead. That one I day I might feel happy again. I can’t see that day just yet. And it could be far away. And things can get worse before they start getting better. I just have to make it through it all. All this shit. Merry Christmas indeed…