I guess it’s not a big surprise that a major change in your life like the one I’m going through right now makes you think about your life so far. And I hate to say that I do not see it as a happy one from where I’m standing right now. I can only hope the best is yet to come, as I’d hate to live the next 40 years or however much I still have left as unhappy as I’ve lived the first almost 40.
I can’t say that I sis not have any friends when I was a kid. I did, but none of those has lasted beyond childhood. So I can not really say how good those friendships were. But I do remember being bullied at school. I was not a very popular at any stage. I had those few friends but the others pretty much just made fun of me. I had glasses, I was not as thin as the others, I was good at school. Plenty of reasons why I got bullied and nobody really cared about it. I guess the base for my nonexistent self confidence was laid back then.
I did not start dating very early; I think I was sixteen when I received my first real kiss from a boy. I would have liked it to be even more, but he did not think the same about me. And then thanks to my dad I lost the friends I had barely made when he chased the boys from our yard when they came asking for me one evening. So I spent several lonely nights at home thinking how everyone else is somewhere out there having fun.
At some point I decided to start going out to the place where all the other young people used to hang out. It was not much better, then I just spent several nights surrounded by people I did not know and watched them having fun. I got to sit all by myself, nobody ever even tried to talk to me or anything. But still I went there every Saturday.
At some point I found a girl in my school who wanted to start going to places with me. So I was not completely alone anymore. And for some weird reason boys started to notice us now. Nothing really lasted more than maybe a month, but it was still something. I was not completely alone anymore. And, well, how do you count how many boyfriends you’ve had? Anyone you have kissed (no, that would be too much)? Anything that lasted over a month? Over two, three, six months? What counts and what doesn’t?
But even after all this I was still a virgin. Then I went to college in a different city. I knew nobody at first. But then I started making friends even though there were only a handful of girls studying the same as I was. I think this is the only time in my life when I can say I had male friends that were just that, nothing else. And then there was the one exception to the rule – but that could be another post, this is going to be long without even going there.
I guess this was the time in my life I was really happy. I had friends. If I wanted to call someone I could. If I wanted to go and visit someone I could. If I wanted to go to a bar with someone I could just call and find someone who was willing to go. I even had the occasional boyfriend every now and then but none of them lived in the same city so I was mostly spending time with my friends.
This did not change in a heartbeat. Not by a long shot. At some point I fell in love with the soon-to-be-ex. I was still studying, he was already living here. First we saw only on weekends. It took me years to move in with him, which also meant moving away from all my friends. Slowly all but one friendship faded away. The one that remained is still alive and well, but for now she is so far away. Things will get better next summer when they come back.
I know there are mostly women reading this, but do you think men are even capable of falling in love the way women do? My limited empirical sample says they do not do that. They are interested in getting laid, but it seems that this rarely contains any deep feelings. In time they seem to develop some kind of a fondness to you but that’s about it. Nothing like they sing in love songs.
But I know I am capable of falling in love. So I’m afraid now. Maybe once again I get these feelings for someone who could really not care less. It’s a really great feeling when you kiss someone so that you can feel it in your toes, but most likely the one you are kissing does not feel the same – they just want pussy. It’s nice when every time you think about him you can feel it in your stomach. But what good does it do if he can forget you for days, even weeks?
Of course it’s possible that I’ve just met all the wrong men. That there is someone out there for me who can feel the same. But how in earth do you find that someone? And with all this baggage I’ve collected through the years how could I trust it even if I would come across such a man?