The monster has green eyes

I’ve felt a bit down the last few days. And I’m not really that sure why. There is too much happening in my life and lots of reasons why I’m feeling unhappy.

The obvious one is of course the looming divorce. I still haven’t done anything concrete about it, the papers have not been taken to the court, I haven’t started looking for a new place to stay, I’ve not really told that many people about it. The only thing I have started to do is to look around and decide what I’m taking with me and what I’m going to get rid of. It’s a slow process.

Now that I’ve had a bit more time to think I’ve realized that the main reason why it all ended like this was because of his jealousy. That’s what started all this and I refuse to take it anymore. I’ll tell you a story from back when we were just dating: We were in a bar the day before May Day. It is customary in Finland that on that day students celebrate. If I remember correctly I had already graduated but wanted to wear my special cap anyway. A one that you really do not see in this small town too often.

While in the bar a boy came to talk to me saying that he knows what the cap means, he has some friends that are students. We than talked a bit about it, nothing else. All of the sudden my then-boyfriend and his friend stared attacking this poor boy saying something like he is trying to steal someone else’s girlfriend. We were just talking. About how you can get a cap like this if you study.

And it’s always been like that. I can not talk to anyone if he doesn’t know the one I’m talking to. Slowly I have lost all my friends. I’ve been isolated from the world. Stranded in this small town where I can not find people that think the same way I do. Nicely tucked away in a small cage.

Why did I say that it was this game that made this happen? Because it did. As I said, the game requires co-operation with other players. And that way I’ve found people that I get along with. Well, at least I think I do get along well with. I’ve still only met one of them in real life, but based on that experience I’m quite sure I would really like the others, too. And to my big surprise it does seem that these people even like me. I’m having more fun than I’ve had in years.

I know it still does not explain why I’m leaving. But based on what I’ve said, how do you think DH has reacted to this? Let’s recap: 1) I’ve made new friends, most of them male 2) DH does not know them 3) I’m having a lot of fun 4) I spend a lot of my time in the game and the IRC channel connected to it. Well, he is jealous. I started getting comments on how I was “chatting” again. Said in a nasty tone.

Well, fuck you. I’m keeping my new friends. I may never see most of them live, but that is not the point of all this. DH can go and find someone else to lock in a cage. I’m going to break free!

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2 responses to “The monster has green eyes

  1. Wow. There’s just no call for any of that kind of behavior for him. I think it takes a long time for people to recognize this particular form of insidious behavior as being not good for them, and even longer to get fed up with it. The funny thing is, I’d bet anything that his behavior has nothing to do with you, it’s all about him and his insecurity.

    This may sound really paranoid of me to say, but I hope you keep your wits about you during this time and after. I say this only because people in certain behaviors can get overly stressed and act out in unusual ways. As always, take care of yourself and your son first. And tell your parents, because other people need to know what’s going on, in case you or your son need help.

  2. I was wondering how the computer game came in. It does sound insecure. There’s a delicate line between being “jealous enough” and stifling.

    Bea

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