Freedom

It has been started. There is still a long, long way to go, but it has been started. And the only thing I feel is immense relief. I had no idea how much this thing was weighing me down. I’m sure it’s going to start feeling bad at some point again, but now I’m just glad I have taken the first step.

I’m not really sure what the next step is and when I’m taking it, but it will come one day. I’m letting soon-to-be-ex-DH get used to the idea. He did not take it too well, but what did I expect? It’s not likely that he had been having the same thoughts. But I’m hoping he will see this is the best thing for both of us in the long run.

I have trouble deciding when to start looking for a new place to stay. It has always been clear that it will be me who is moving, so that’s not something I have to think about. But it’s really not that simple to think about where to move. I think it’s clear that DS is moving with me. I have asked him what he would think if we moved somewhere, just the two of us. And he has said that only if we move somewhere closer to his school. Well, that’s just the problem: there really are no rental homes available in this area. It’s such a rural place that moving closer to his school would actually mean buying a house. And that’s not what I’m planning on doing.

So when we move it will mean that DS has to go to another school. Which is a bummer, but as I said there is little I can do about it. So I have been thinking that just maybe I could live in this house until next summer. I’m thinking it would be easier for him to start in a new school as a second grader and not in the middle of the semester. But summer is so far! How can I? I have to think about it.

Things are never easy. But I feel I’m going the right way right now. I can still have a good life! I may be happy one day! And really – maybe, just maybe there is the right man for me somewhere out there. I do not know when I will find him. I’m not stressing myself with it. With most men it will never click. Those that click are few and far between. There is no point in settling with the second best. If you can not feel it in your stomach, if the thought of touching him does not make your toes curl, then it’s not worth it.

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4 responses to “Freedom

  1. One step at a time. Maybe he will decide to move and your son can stay in his school? If DH is able to think logically about it, it may happen.

    Wishing you continued strength

  2. DD, it is not likely that things change about me staying in this house. Getting out of here is one of the reasons I want the divorce, as I absolutely hate this house. No, I’m going to be the one moving out. There is no question about that. I refuse to live in this place for much longer!

  3. Aren’t you working a little too hard at suffering? What is driving you to this dissolution? Has he done something hard and unforgivable? Or is it just a yearning to be something more than you now credit yourself as being? You have a great deal of work ahead of you…whichever path you take. Why not work hard now on creatiing a mutual respect, an understanding, a clear communication between you and this man? Bridges can be crossed without burning them behind you. Weep in his arms. Tell him. You should tell him in the deepest way you know how, not aviod talking to him, being with him, touching him. Be explicit. This is advise not asked for, I know, so you can discard it easily. It’s your call. Totally yours. As it always has been. Courage.

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