Please kill this pain

It looks like if I do not have enough problems in my life I have to create them for myself. My head is so jumbled right now I can not think straight. My insides are in a tight knot and I feel like puking right now. Needless to say I can not get any food down.

I do not know what to do. I really, really don’t. But now it seems that the last straw was actually too much. I have no idea what happens next. All I know is this: divorce is no longer an option I will not consider right now. I feel really, really tempted to walk to the courthouse and file for one right now. But not just yet.

It’s not really a surprise it has come to this. It’s just that it seems to be happening sooner than expected. I’ve just realized that life is actually too short to be wasted in a dead marriage. Maybe, just maybe there is a man out there that would be willing to be with me. And maybe our paths would cross one day. But it seems so painfully obvious now that this will never happen if I am not going to get that divorce. As long as these rings are around my finger I will not have a chance of happiness.

I feel like crying right now. I still feel that I do not want to do this. And at the same time I feel like I have to do this. I’m a complete mess right now. I feel like a really bad person right now. I feel like I’m letting everyone down. I feel like a failure. I’m afraid of things to come. I do not know what to do. But the path of least resistance is no longer the way I want to be taking. I can not be taking it anymore. It’s just not right.

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5 responses to “Please kill this pain

  1. Oh Ankaisa, I am so sorry you are going through this. This mixture of feelings, unsure what to do next, only knowing what is wrong, not necessarily how to make it better. Oh I wish I could give you advise. I agree with you though, that staying in a dead marriage is probably wrong, unless you want to give everything to revive it again. If you don’t think of certain ways/strategies on how to move on. I am so so sorry. Many hugs.

  2. You are so right: there’s no way you can know what is out there for you to open your heart to if it is trapped now in your current situation. People around you will be sad because generally people don’t know how to respond when a couple says they are splitting. For those who are very close to you, they will be supportive because they just want you to be happy again. Maybe they haven’t said anything but you can bet they know something isn’t right.

    It’s time to do this for yourself, Ankaisa.

  3. I’m so sorry. It seems that it often takes a long time to get to a point like where you are, but once you get there, you want it to be fixed RIGHT NOW. Like Nina said, staying in a dead marriage is probably wrong, but only you can make that decision. I’m sure you’re thinking of what kind of effect a divorce will have on your son, but you should also think about what kind of effect there will be on him living with two parents who no longer love each other like they once did. Kids are really smart about those kinds of things and it may turn out that the news doesn’t come as any kind of shock to him at all.

    Whatever you decide to do, make sure you do it because it’s the best thing for *you*. It might take a little bit of time, but the rest of it should fall into place after that.

  4. You are not a bad person. You are not a bad mother. You are a person in a poor marriage doing the best that you can for yourself and your son.

    This is a hard road to walk, but one I feel you would have walked sooner or later. I know it’s one you don’t want to take, yet as you said, life is too short.

    I’m sorry you have to go through this.

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