I'm a role model

Thanks for your comments to my last post. For now I really am not feeling like I’m suffering. Or that DS is really suffering. But on the other hand I started to think about it and now I’m worried that I’m not giving DS a very healthy idea of marriage. I’m consciously avoiding any physical contact with DH. Even when I’m giving him something I always try to give it so that our hands do not touch. I can’t touch him. It disgusts me.

So the question really is that am I hurting him in ways that are not too obvious at the moment? Some people say that kids are really good in sensing the atmosphere, and I could not get much colder towards DH. So by staying I’m really telling DS that it is normal for a husband and a wife to be cold towards each other. And to tell you the truth, sometimes I think to myself that I would still like to have sex with another human being.

But for now I’m still choosing the path of least resistance. Getting a divorce would be way too messy for me. Even though it means that my biological clock is going to tick its last tocks and taking away any hope of ever getting another baby. Look! I’m cured! Even that thought does not make me depressed anymore. I can’t say I’m totally happy with my life (far from it) but I’m not totally unhappy either. Why should I make my life first miserable so that I could possibly find happiness later?

It’s just funny to look back and see how big part pure chance has in your life. You just happen to be somewhere at a certain time, or just happen to choose to do something. There are so many places where I could have chosen differently!


2 responses to “I'm a role model

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