And now, as a proof that I’m really telling you personal things and I’m not leaving anything out – I’m bringing you this post. So If you feel like you do not really want to hear about these things, please stop reading now.
The question of the day is: why do I stay in this relationship if it’s completely dead? The fact that it is dead should not come as a surprise to you if you have been here long enough. Well, it’s not doing any better than the last time I talked about it. But why do I stay if there really is no more hope of reviving it, ever?
It’s really a complicated question. The easy answer is that I stay because it’s the path of least resistance. Things are not going too well, but they are not going terribly badly either. It’s like DH is more of a room mate rather than a husband. I’m so used to him already. I pretty much know what DH is going to do in a situation. We are not arguing much. And after all, he is the father of DS. And DH is being useful now that DS has started school. DH takes care that DS leaves for school on time and is there when DS comes back from school.
But what are the downsides of all this? Well, obviously, I can not start another relationship with a man. But who says I even want to? Who says that after a few years I’m not in a same kind of situation? Would I be wise enough to choose a partner better suited for me? Because I think we all know that love is blind. In the beginning of a relationship you close your eyes to the faults you see.
I remember it so well. My DH used to date my at that time good friend. Does that make sense? I mean that I was good friends with his girlfriend for several years while they were dating, well actually living together. At her mom’s house. I could see even back then that he was interested in me. I did not reciprocate the feelings at that time, I was completely certain I would never ever date him even if he was free. And I meant it, really meant it.
Then what happens? The girl meets another man and moves in with him. Somewhat later DH-to-be moves in with his brother. Soon after he calls me and asks if I could be the designated driver for him and his brother that evening. And suddenly I can not remember how I swore that I would not touch him even if he was available. Because now he truly was available. So my rational mind knew he was not the right man for me, my heart did not listen. And this is what it got me.
And I really do not want to go back to dating. It sucks, deeply. Looking for someone you could imagine dating, finding out if he feels the same, waiting for the calls or making them yourself… Not something I look forward to. Oh no. And really, I can not trust my heart. It has been wrong before.
And I’m so sure the divorce would be really, really messy. I’m a bit afraid of him, he could get really nasty. He does not show that side of him too often, but it is there. I’m pretty sure I would get to keep DS but I’m also sure he would put up a hell of a fight for it. Thanks, but no thanks. Maybe when DS is older.
But I’m not saying that if the man of my dreams would suddenly show up I would not re-evaluate the whole thing. Sure, I’ve had crushes over the years. I do not believe anyone who says that they have been in a long relationship and never even looked at another man. It’s just natural. It happens. But it’s what you do with it that matters. I’ve never done anything. Well, daydreams do not count. And those do not hurt anyone. But I’ve never cheated.
So for now I’m more like taking care of two big babies. I’m really not sure what will happen when the real baby grows up some more.