Did I win or did I lose?

So did I come out of all this as a winner or a loser? I’m sure that if you ask anyone still struggling just to have one I am a winner. And I really am, I have my DS who is the most precious thing in the world. I would never change him for anything!

But then you have to ask why did I do six more IVFs. All that money, time and sanity totally wasted. Nothing to show for it. Not even one positive pee stick. Nothing stuck long enough to even get that far. How could I feel like a success after that?

I do not know if it’s the spring or what that has made me think about this again. Or maybe it’s just that I have too much time to think. My life seems to have found a path for now, which is not an ideal one but for now it’s easier not to rock the boat than to live this way. So I’m thinking.

I think one of the things that got me thinking was Nina’s post. I was told at the end of our last cycle that we would have to move on to donors if this one was not successful. I have no idea if it would have been donor eggs or sperm, as the talk never got that far. I guess it would have if we had gone to a meeting with the doc to actually discuss the possibility of donors.

I do not think I would have a problem with donor eggs. Maybe it would feel a bit weird to have someone else’s egg inside me, but it does not really freak me out. But I’m guessing that the idea of an unknown man’s sperm swimming inside me would make me feel disgusted. Maybe an IVF would not be quite as bad, as then there would not be millions of sperm swimming around. Or maybe it still would.

I think the main reason for this is that you have no part in selecting the donor. You may not say anything. They try to match the donor to you or your husband so that at least the hair and eye color and maybe height and body type are the same. But that’s about it if I have understood correctly. So you know nothing about the donor. Absofuckinglutely nothing.

I think this is so disturbing because of biology. When you are choosing a partner, you try to find someone who has the best genes that can be combined with yours. I think there have been studies about this, so I’m assuming it’s true. So you want to give your kids the best possible combination of genes. And I totally hate the idea of giving that power to someone else. It’s more than likely that I would end up pregnant with someone’s sperm I would absolutely hate in real life.

Maybe this all comes back to the fact that I’m not really a motherly type. I do not feel the need to care for other people’s children. I could never work as a daycare provider, teacher, doctor or nurse. Those things just aren’t for me. I was really worried about if I could even love my own child. When doing that first IVF I was actually a bit afraid that it will work, which we all know by now it did. So when I first saw the two lines I was not completely elated, I was also a lot scared. But I can see so much of me and DH in our DS that it’s easy to love him to bits. But what the hell would I do if I ended up with a kid that does not resemble me or DH in any way, on the outside or in the personality? I’m not so sure I could love that baby.

So I’m just trying to adapt to the idea that DS is going to be an only child. It’s not what I really wanted for him. He is going to be so alone. He has no “real” cousins, as I have only two half brothers that have children who are my age. So it’s their children that are about the same age as DS. DH has one brother, but it’s not likely that he will have any kids. Well, at least if he doesn’t dump his wife and find some chick in her twenties.

And the clock is ticking. I’m not getting any younger. I’m just watching my last chances of ever getting pg again slipping away.

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3 responses to “Did I win or did I lose?

  1. Choosing a partner is such a complex and largely subconscious process – it’s hard to think someone might choose one for you using such crude criteria as eye colour and hair colour.

    Bea

  2. In the US, one can chose a male donor on the physiological aspects alone (hair, eyes, weight, height, race) or you can make your choice based on the educational background, hobbies, video-/audio-tape, staff impressions, etc. in addition to the physical.

    Both of these options can be anonymous or open.

    You say that you wouldn’t want to select someone that you may not like in person, but it is sadly true that even 100% biology doesn’t guarantee that a parent will like their child.

    N had emailed me regarding my dIUIs and I admitted to her how it all felt surreal to have another man’s sperm inside me, but when I found out I was pregnant with Wolf I never once thought of that life being anyone’s but my husband’s.

  3. You won and you lost. Those six IVFs must have been tough, especially since you knew it had worked once before.

    After our first IVF was such a disaster, I thought about the donor route a lot. I know my desire to have a child would have won over my qualms. But it is a lot to consider. I don’t fear I wouldn’t love a donor child as much, even though like you I’m not that attracted to other people’s kids.
    I would wonder a lot about what traits would be from the donor and which mine.

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