Envy

Oh no. Here it comes again. Envy. I thought that I was so over it already.

It’s about two years since our last cycle. And I want to do it again. I’m a junkie. I haven’t had my fix in two years, now I want it.

I want the bad meds that give me horrible headaches and hot flashes and all the other menopause symptoms.

I want the meds that make the menopause symptoms go away but make my ovaries grow into grapefruits full of fluid. And take all the color from my face.

I want the good meds they give you before retrieval to make the pain tolerable. Especially I want the blue pills that make everything bad go away and make you feel relaxed.

But more than that I want to have embies. Inside me. I want to have Hope (bitch) again.

I’m just not so sure if I could handle the crash landing. I really do not think that all this would end up in a BFP. That is such a long shot that I’m sure it will never happen. Although that Hope bitch would no doubt tell me that we have implantation. Which might be the case, who knows, all I know that nothing has made it far enough to register on a pee stick for a very long time. Very. About seven years to be exact.

Maybe I just want to belong again. I miss the bond there is between women going through treatments at the same time. Just about all of the women I met in the blogosphere during my cycles have either had their babies or just disappeared. At the time I could not follow the successful pregnancies, so I lost contact with those people, too.

It does seem that one can not easily find other things to talk about after the exiting cycle talk is over. I have never talked a lot about DS here and I’m not about to start now. This is not and will not be a mommy blog. Because there still might be infertile people coming here for various reasons. I do remember how hurt I was when I happened to click to a blog by some successful infertile, no matter how hard they were trying for another, if the blog mainly consisted of bragging about the one they’ve got.

So what the hell am I going to write about then? Not much. It’s not even likely that I’d join the ranks of those who have gotten pg by surprise. Yes, I most likely have PCOS but our problem really lies in MF. Those spermies just aren’t good enough. And besides, you would have to have sex in order to have any kind of chance.

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3 responses to “Envy

  1. It’s funny how the bad things are what draw us together and make us want to write them all out. Hopefully you will work out what this space is for, and how to move forward with the options you have in life.

    Bea

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