I guess it is time for another IF post. I have just been wondering that if I knew all this would end badly, would I have done things differently? If I had known that DS is the only one I’m ever going to get, I don’t think I would have kept going.
Just thinking about it makes me sad. And frustrated. And betrayed. I really should just have had the sense to stop right there. But that’s just it: being so damn lucky the first time meant that I was one of those annoying ones that get pg on their first IVF and then think it’s the magic wand that makes you pg each time.
After that I’ve been through six more IVF’s. Yes, six. With nothing to show for it. Had I known the outcome I should have stopped earlier. Much earlier. But hope is a bitch – she keeps whispering in your ear that the next time will be different. And when you are in the middle of the treatment the only thing that carries you through is knowing there will a plan for the next cycle. So you just keep going.
Now that it has been about a year since my last round I’m beginning to see more clearly. And I’m still not saying that I would not try again should I find the money to do so. But for now I’m not thinking about it that much. Right now I do not feel a sting when going to a blog where I can see someone talking about meds and wandings. Right, now that I’m saying that out loud I’m sure I’ll be feeling differently tomorrow – but that is how the rollercoaster works. I would have thought I’m out of it already, but it seems that when you are forced in it there is no getting off. You are there forever. Infertility can not be cured. It will always be a part of your life.