I want.

I’m envious. I want to be an IVF newbie again. I want to be overwhelmed by all that makes a full IVF cycle. I want to be optimistic once again.

Hell, I’d be happy if I knew we were doing something, anything! It was about a year ago when I cycled the last time. I’m ready for another go! I’ve had my break! Hello! What? You are saying I can not cycle again. That my eggs are crap. Or DH’s sperm. You’re not really sure. Shit. And yeah, my bank account is really telling me that there is no room for any cycling right now. And my credit card is whining and hiding in the corner. OK, so it looks like I’m not doing any cycles in the near future.

But I sure as hell would love to. I wish I could go back. I wish I did not know this much about IVF cycles and stuff. I want to go to the pharmacy to buy these fucking expensive meds. I want to be sniffing again and tasting that horrible thing in my mouth. I miss the u/s wand. I want to see my ovaries on the screen. I would love to stick needles into my belly. I hope to get that bloated feeling in my lower abdomen again. I’d be happy to stay up until the wee hours in order to take that shot at the right time. I want to be high on the good drugs. I want to hear the tech counting the eggs found.

That is all good. All my cycles are usually great up until this point. Well, usually the fertilization report is not too bad. Like a good Pavlov’s dog I began to fear the transfers. It’s really not so much fun to lie there with your bare ass and hear something to the effect of “all the others have died/crap, but we’ll just transfer two so-so’s and hope for the best”.

And let’s be fair, I’m quite sure there is no-one out there who would miss being in the 2ww. That is pure hell each time. I do not even want to start counting how many times I’ve done it for nothing. Now that I think about it, I’d love to cycle again if I could get the results the day after the transfer. Or get knocked out for two weeks so it seems like tomorrow when I wake up.

I’m so not over it yet.

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4 responses to “I want.

  1. Sometimes I too wish that the husband and I were still trying. I don’t know what it is that I miss–not like the negative HPTs, miscarriage, etc., didn’t suck–but something calls me back to it. Perhaps it’s the notion of hope, hope for a positive on a pee stick, hope for another baby, hope for the future.

    So I hear you…sometimes you just want to be back on that ride.

  2. Oh for the good old days when you don’t know much and can believe in the process and your docs. Take me back in your time machine, will you?

  3. I am that newbie you are describing. Honestly I wish nothing more than for you to have another cycle. If I should by any chance succeed with this IVF#1 of mine, I’ll post all my meds (that are right now refridged) to you in no time. The Puregon alone is so fucking expensive and I have quite a bit of it left…..maybe that’s not the right thing to write in this comment. Well, whatever I’ll e-mail you.

    In the mean time, I must tell you that “you have been tagged” (by me). Go to my blog and check it out (post called “tagging along”).

    Thanks Ankaisa for your great support!

    Hugs,

    N

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