Now that I decided to try keeping a list I have been actively clicking on everybody’s blogrolls. Today I ended up in this blog which sadly has not been updated for quite a long time.
I started clicking through her blogroll, which likely has not been updated in a long while either. And that’s when I became sad. There were not many blogs there that were not about babies or blogs that were completely gone.
Sure, and it’s a good thing, many IF blogs evolve into being pregnancy blogs and parenting blogs after that. Nobody would ever do this if there was no hope of success. It’s just so fucking sad to realize I’m the last one still here with no hope of ever getting out. It has been a year since we last did treatment and our finances are so bad with no relief in sight that the chances of doing another cycle are nonexistent.
I do not know what happened to those blogs that have disappeared. Did they just decide that it’s not fun to blog about IF anymore and just quit? Maybe. Did they get pg and not know what to say anymore? It’s possible. Did something awful happen and make them unable to ever update again? I sure hope not! But how do I know for sure? I don’t! And it has made me sad. When I started blogging in September 2004 I found others doing IVF at the same time. Now that I look back there are not many left in the still trying blogroll of mine. Sure, I’ve found others after that, but it’s still a sad reminder of the fact that others have moved on, one way or another.
And I’m still here. Hoping for the child I will never have. Not the way things are going now. And it’s sad. I have been holding on to all kinds of baby stuff to be used with the second baby, but in my current lack of money I have been thinking of selling them. It’s time to wake up and smell the roses and face the fact that there will never be another one. Ever. I’m still a long way from accepting it, and I’m rather sure I never will.
The pain is not as raw as it is right after a failed cycle, but it does not mean it is not there. It surely is. And there really is nothing that can take the pain away. Pain will remain. I think that is the main reason I’m so down again. I just can’t see the pain for what it is. But what could I do with it anyway? Like I said, it’s not going to go away.
So I keep on writing these whiny posts to the internet. Maybe it would have been better if I just quit, as I’m not going to be doing any cycles. Those seem to interest people, shots and meds and follies and eggs and sperm and embies and dividing and retrieval and transfer. Maybe I’ll just post this and disappear. Maybe I’ll post this and get hit by a car on my way home. Nobody here would ever know what happened. This site would stay up for a while until my next payment is due and it would not get paid. Nobody would check my emails, so those would not be answered. Well, I chose to blog anonymously, so nobody even knows my real name. I would just be gone.