Am I guilty?

This post over at Julianna’s got me thinking about how I feel about the fact that I have DS. Do I feel guilt or am I just sad that not everyone can have what I have? It seems that I have briefly touched the subject here, where I talked about passing a colleague in the hall while visibly pregnant. It was quite a while ago, but I do remember that I kind of wanted to apologize for being pregnant. I was sorry that I had what they wanted desperately, and I was sorry I was causing him pain. But I really, really do not remember feeling guilty. It was not my fault that they had not had success yet and me being pregnant did not lower their chances.

This popped into my mind again as I saw a couple at the party we went to last Friday. They were the brother of the doctor-to-be and his wife. I know that they have been trying for a child for a very long time with little success. It’s so much harder in person. I am not totally sure what we talked about, but I remember that I wanted to tell them how sorry I am. And that seeing me might be a reminder of what they can not have. As they know how we got DS.

Here in the internet you can hide your big belly or baby or toddler and not rub the less unfortunate ones face in it. You don’t have to mention it in your comments or posts. That’s why I do not talk much about DS here. And those posts are categorized in the Mommy category, so that if you do not like to read about it, you don’t have to. I know reading about him in every post would cause pain to those who might never get to experience it. No cute pictures of my baby, even though I’d have plenty of those. If you feel that you really, really want to see what he looks like, you could always email me (ankaisa@yahoo.com) and ask for a picture. So just like there will never be a picture of me in this blog, there will never be a pic of DS.

But I still feel infertile. You are never really cured from it, as those painful memories stay with you for the rest of your life. Maybe there are those who lose their sensitivity towards others when they reach their goal, but I’m still hoping I’m not one of them. Hell, I will never reach my goal. I might get pregnant again if hell freezes over. Until then I’m just happy with what I have. And I really do have a lot!

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2 responses to “Am I guilty?

  1. I dunno…there’s a lot to be said for paying one’s dues. I can read the blogs of some pregnant infertiles and not others…but I don’t know why. I can happily read blogs like Churp, Churp or…:mind goes blank:…uh, and others, and see pictures of their kids and read their stories genuinely enjoy them, yet I can’t read most parenting blogs. For whatever reason, sometimes I can take it, and sometimes I can’t, but I never know which way things are going to go!

    For what it’s worth, bring on the pics and stories!

  2. Your list is amazing! I will try to help if I can with any missing links.

    I agree with Oro regarding the parenting blogs….I have found the difficult ones involve BABIES….so that is enlightening!

    Hope you are well!

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