2006, here I come

So the new year has begun. Now that it has, I really do not have too high hopes for it. I just hope things do not get any worse. I’m just afraid they will. I have no reason to believe otherwise.

Infertility really does rob you of lots of things. One of them is the ability to just watch your long awaited child to grow. I still can not believe I can keep him. Something could still happen. I’m quite sure I will feel that way forever, because, well, you never know what will happen today. You can never take for granted that you will live another day.

I just got a reminder of this yesterday. I was walking to get the pics that were taken of DS when passing a school I noticed that there was a flag halfway up the mast. So, naturally, your first thought was: “Who’s dead?” And a flag in front of a school can not be good. A quick look in the internet news sources yielded an article about how an 8 year old boy had choked to death. He had been climbing in a tree with his buddy and had fallen off. Somehow his coat got stuck and choked him.

Life is not fair. Yeah, like I have to tell you infertiles that! My life is far from being perfect, but it could still be worse. So much worse. And I’m just afraid something somewhere notices that hey, we still haven’t taken everything from her. Let’s just make her life even worse than it is today. So every day I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

But I’m dragging my feet from one day to another. That’s really all I can do. Maybe one day the future will look brighter. Maybe not. Maybe I still have to sink lower and then being this low will actually feel good. I do not know. Nobody knows. And that sucks. Hell, I could get through anything if I knew there would be a reward in the end. But that’s another bad thing about life: you never get any promises.


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