Sorry for the lack of posts recently. The thing is that very little is happening in my life for now. Nothing has really changed from what I’ve written before: job sucks, DH sucks, money situation sucks, blah, blah, blah.
It takes a huge effort to even get out of bed every morning, and each day at work is a pain. And things do not get much better when I get home after work, the house is a mess after two males have been spreading things around for nine hours! Booring… If I could just stay in bed and never get up again!
I’m not sure why I still feel like I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out. I should be over the last cycle by now, it has been over four months already. I’ve never been this down for so long. It feels I’m never getting up again. Or maybe it is the fact that there no longer is a plan b that makes this so impossible. Nothing interests me anymore. I just don’t care about much.
If I only had a magic wand that would get me what I want. It does not seem like I want so much! I just want another baby and a job I do not hate and one that pays enough to pay the bills and feed the family. That would be enough for now. Maybe, just maybe if I feel really reckless I could hope for a loving relationship with a man – that is not something that is going to happen with my current DH, so that would mean divorce and finding another man. Which is not something I feel up to right now, as it would get too nasty. I have enough on my plate as it is.
Of course I could just start looking for another job, but that is a lot easier said than done. There are not too many opportunities where I live, and moving is out of the question – if I do stay with my current DH. Finding a job here that fits the description above is highly unlikely. I do keep my eyes open, but finding one would most likely mean I’d have to be active. Meaning I’d have to send resumes to companies even though they do not advertise open positions and keep calling them afterwards. And it’s not something I feel I have the energy to do. I hate it on the best of days, now I’m not even considering it.
So now you can really see why I’m not writing more often! It would have been better if I didn’t even post this one, but I think I will anyway. Welcome to my pity party! No drinks or chocolate available, but there will be an endless supply of whining!