I feel like I’m so out of every possible loop right now. As I’ve told before, I do not have many real life friends. So I have been depending quite heavily on my online friends. I have not met anyone, but I still think of you and others I’ve met online to be my friends.

But now I’m not actively seeking treatment anymore. So what is my place in the IF community now? Others are still pursuing treatment or are pregnant or parenting or adopting. Just giving up seems rare, or maybe those just don’t write anymore. So now when I click on my links there are stimming protocols, pregnancy updates, baby pictures or homestudies or something like that. I don’t feel like I belong anymore.

And it’s not just that I have dropped out of the IF community, I have dropped of others, too. When I got my miracle baby back in 2000, I joined an email group where we discussed parenting after IF. I was rather active for a while, but my participation there started to decline at some point as my baby got older. It got a bit too painful, as some of the women got pg again. Some without even trying. Yeah, not something you would expect in a group consisting of people who went through a lot to get that first one, but it did happen. Nobody was doing IVF anymore, so I started to feel like I do not belong. But I did not unsubscribe and did go back every now and then to check. But now I got kicked out for not posting more. Not that I really mind too much, but it was not a nice feeling.

And I’m totally fallen off the wagon with my Clay obsession, too. Not that you can even call it an obsession anymore… It was fun for a while, but now I find it hard to keep up with all that is happening. It would take me too much time. And then I’m so jealous of many of them, too. Clay did a tour this summer and I – of course – had no means of attending any of those concerts. If I had that kind of money I would be contemplating donor eggs rather than plane tickets to the US! So it hurts to read the enthusiastic reports from the wonderful concerts. Knowing once again that I’m not going to be able to experience that. So yeah, it reminds me a bit of what being IF feels. Like you are watching trough a window where everyone else is having fun and you have no means of getting in.

So does anyone know where do you go when it seems that you do no longer belong in any group? Where is the support group for bitter infertiles not pursuing treatment or adoption who can not afford to travel or do anything for that matter? Doe it exist? I doubt it.


2 responses to “Outcast

  1. I don’t know how to answer as I was wondering the same thing. We can’t keep going at this for ever and sometimes I feel like I’m boring myself talking about stims etc. At least it gets it out of my system.

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