I know I have been complaining a lot about the choices I’ve made that brought me here. So I guess now it’s time to take a good look at them, so you don’t just have to take my word on it.
I did not have much say in the things when I was a child, but I have been told that my mom almost got a job in a completely different city. That would have changed a lot of things, and my life would certainly be different now. I would most definitely live somewhere else and have a different job. It might still be somewhat similar, as I don’t think it would have had such a big impact on my career choices.
But when do we get to the choices I had control over? Well, I think it’s when I was choosing where to go to college. I had pretty much chosen what I wanted to study, but there were several places available. I chose the one closest to my home, because I was dating a boy from here when making the choice. We then broke up before I ever went to college, but the papers were sent by then and there was no way to change the selection then.
So I got in and went there to study engineering. And maybe this choice affected my ability to find boyfriends. Why? Well, I of course partied with people I knew, meaning those in my class. And let me tell you, there were not too many girls studying engineering! There were six girls and about 100 boys. So I think that many men would not approach a woman sitting in a table with five other men. And I did not find a boyfriend among classmates, so I actually never dated anyone from my college.
I did date, just not anyone I met on my college city. I often went to my home town on weekends, as I still had some friends there. So when most people went partying on weekends, I was home or driving my “friends” around so they could get drunk. I do not know why I did not see it then, but I was being used. This same “friend” called me every weekend and had me drive her around. Bitch. And she was quite promiscuous, too. Why did I hang out with such an idiot for so long? I really, really do not know. It has now been years since I last saw her, and I like it that way.
The one reason I know is that if I did not go to her and drive her around, I was alone. It was still better to look her getting drunk and lick the fling of the day than to drive around all by myself. So I was not the popular one. I’ve never been. I’m quite sure I never will be. But I did try those nights alone in my home town and did not like it. But was she really my friend? I do not know. She did plenty of things you do not expect from a friend.
Then in one December day (I’m not completely sure, but I thik it was year 1990) I fell in love with the man that would become my husband. That is most likely the biggest bad choice in my life. Or you can not really call it a choice, but there were several opportunities to choose after that. He had quite recently broken up with his long time girlfriend, so timing was badly off. I should have stayed the hell away from him. I was still studying, so I spent my weeks in my college city and came to my home town on weekends to see him. And I could clearly see that he was not over her yet. But I was so stupid and did not just dump him right there and then. He kept using me, too, to drive him around so he could get drunk. Gee, that was fun. I’m sure this had not gone far if I’d just said that I do not drive every time.
It took a long time before that changed. Why did I not walk away when I had the chance? A few years later (1996) I graduated, and we started to talk about moving in together. He was living with his brother (which I’ve told you I can not stand) and I was living in a student apartment. I knew I would be thrown out now that I had graduated. But then his dad died. And the two brothers decided that one of them would move back home. And guess which one? It was horrible. Absolutely horrible. Think of every mother-in-law horror story you can, and that was my DH’s mom.
I was losing my patience fast. But DH was not that happy about the situation either. He started to spend a lot of time in my small student apartment, and finally it was decided that we have to find a place of our own. Which we did. That was possibly the best time we ever had together. Not yet TTC but living together.
Some time later we decided to throw away any birth control. He had told me a long time ago that he had been young and foolish with his previous girlfriend and they had not used any protection when they started to date. And she had not gotten pg. I knew she had had at least one kid with someone else after that. So it was not her. Why did I not run away screaming when I first heard that? If I had known what that knowledge would put me though, I think I would have.
Then you can read the rest of the story in How did I get here.
So there have been times I could have chosen differently. There have been times I really should have chosen differently, but have been too stupid to do so. And all this means that now I’m here, where my life just basically sucks ass. Yeah. So happy 4th wedding anniversary to mee.