Fuck you universe!

I finally did email my clinic to let them know my cycle failed. The paper only said that you have to let them know how it ended, not how soon you have to tell them after you know. I also asked that should we come in for an appointment if we still want to try, and it was no surprise that we would have to, and both have to be present. But I’m not sure if I’ll want to do it.

It’s so easy to just keep going, especially when you are in the middle of a treatment cycle. You just keep pushing and pushing without stopping for a moment to think about it. Back then it was a ray of hope that got me through that cycle, but now I’m not so sure. My head is filled with what-if questions: What if I’m given sperm of a man I would never in my right mind even touch? What if the resulting baby would look just like his/her biological father, and I would hate him/her because if that? I do not know if I’m odd or what, but most babies look ugly to me. Here you are not given any chance to select for yourself; the clinic does it for you. They try to match hair and eye colour, but not even blood type. Which is a biggie, as it means there is no way we could keep the issue of donor under wraps, as we are both 0. So if the baby is given sperm that carries either A or B, blood group would tell eventually that something is wrong.

And besides all that, maybe it is time to quit. I have DS, and that’s more than many others will ever have. I should just be happy with that and move on. If I ever get up from this pit, I never want to go there again. It’s a very dark place and it takes a lot of strength to keep you from crushing. This weight is almost unbearable. Nothing can make me happy right now. I just drag myself from one day to another with little hope of the next day being any better. Maybe I should just leave DH. Pack my things and grab DS and just go. I think I would if I didn’t know that it would just cause even more trouble for me. But one day I might when I’m stronger. I just I can’t live like this forever.

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3 responses to “Fuck you universe!

  1. Oh dear, I’m sorry you’re in such a difficult place in your life. I can’t give you advice on such momentous decisions, who am I to tell someone else what is the right thing for them? I can only tell you that I have always found my heart to be more reliable a guide than my head.

    I’m thinking about you and hope you find some peace and happiness soon.

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