Bounce

How do you pick up the pieces after all this? I knew it was going to be hard, but I had forgotten just how hard it is. Right now it feels like my life is over at the ripe age of 36. What do I have to look forward to? Not much.

I’m married to a jerk I would just get rid of if I could figure out how. I can’t even imagine spending the rest of my days with him. It’s just getting worse with time, not better. I envy all of you who still think marrying your DH has been the best thing they have ever done. I’m thinking it was probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. There is little hope of him ever changing, so I’ll have to put up with all his bad qualities forever. And I’m not really coming up with any positive things. He does not have a job and does not appear interested in finding one. He drinks. He smokes – gee, wonder why the sperm is as bad as it is? He never cleans around the house, just leaves everything where it drops. He does not want to spend time with DS. I’ve been taking him to day care all the time even though he is home. Whee, more money out of the window! And yesterday was DS’s musical playgroup’s spring show and he did not bother to show up. Why show up, I videotaped it so he can watch it at home! And I can’t remember the last time we actually had sex. It was sometime last year.

Job sucks. I know I’ve said that often, but that one has not gotten any better either. The pay is low and there isn’t much chance of it getting better anytime soon. Combine that with DH’s unwillingness to find a job – finances are tough. I’m working but getting just barely enough to keep my head above the water. And I’m supposed to be saving for a donor cycle… But it would be worth it if I really liked what I’m doing. I’m still fairly certain I’ve studied what I want to be when I grow up, but with all the diversity among the things I could be doing with my training this is not for me. Sitting in meetings, not having any colleagues to work with, stupid EU bureaucracy… Does it sound reasonable that if you have a meeting and order coffee and coffee bread to all those invited (because you can’t know in advance how many actually show up), say three coffee breads are left over and somebody wants to know what happened to them? Like the cafeteria would take them back and sell to someone else after being on the table for a day! Gee, that must be about three euros we are talking about. Even with my crappy pay it would cost more to write an email telling what happened to those three coffee breads (7 months ago). How’s that for motivating?

I hate the house we are living in. It was build 40 years ago and has not really been renovated since. The floor plan sucks ass. It’s also too small for even the three of us, only two bedrooms (if you even can call the other one a bedroom), a living room, kitchen and sauna. Right now DS is still happy to sleep in the same room with us, but that is going to change over the years. But there really isn’t another room for him. The other “bedroom” was actually a wood storage room in the drawings of the house. So it’s really small and has a door which leads into boiler room. Not really something I want my child to live in… But there really isn’t much hope for a new house unless I win the lottery. I really, really hate the house. But as long as I’m stuck with DH I’m stuck with the house.

And it if it hasn’t been clear by now (have you even been reading what I write?) I really, really want another child. But I’m not sure I can take this anymore. It keeps getting harder and harder. But how do you let go of a dream you’ve had for such a long time? I don’t know. I’m not sure if I want to know. I’m afraid to stop here and I’m afraid to go on. I haven’t decided yet which one I fear the most.

So yeah, a great life I have. The only thing I can think of worth waiting for in the future is a grandchild. Which, as anyone knows, is a long shot anyway. So maybe after 30 or so years of this hell there might be something worth waiting for. Another lifetime before anything nice happens. Something’s just got to bounce my way for a change or I can’t make it that far.

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8 responses to “Bounce

  1. Ankasia do you have any one close by you can talk to? You have to do something, change something, even just one thing. This is no way to live. Please look after yourself.

  2. Ankaisa, I’m delurking to say that I agree with Meg. Something has got to change, you cannot go on living like this!

  3. Oh you’re too special a person to be in such situations. Please do change something, you deserve better – and don’t ever think otherwise

  4. I just wanted to say that I care. I have been feeling so low that I actually imagined myself leaving my husband last week and just being alone for a time to sort myself. My husband rocks, so I cannot imagine even having slight marital problems and what that would entail.

    Hang in there, sweetie.

    This is a rough time.

  5. I remember saying M. that I wanted out of the marriage early last year. At the time I hated so much about him – his desire to keep this perfect front, obsesive compulsiveness (the opposite of your (not-D) H) and his failure to understand why IVF was everything to me, and why, he could go on seemingly unfettered by it all. It wasn’t worth the pain in the position I was at.

    My IVF clinic didnt want to see me again until I started anti-depressants. To everyone else I was clearly depressed, I thought I was fine, just a bit angry. As much as I hated to admit, the drugs changed everything. They didnt help me get pregnant, but the did help me get up each morning and continue work etc.

    Ankaisa, to me, you both sound depressed. I dont know if your H will ever do anything about it, but you would really benefit from seeing a counsellor together. If he won’t go, and the only reason you are staying with him is for sperm, then perhaps a sperm donor wouldn’t be such a bad idea. I dont get the impression he is a real adonis and want his genes over anyone elses.

    Please let us know how you go. As you already know, life is too short.

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