Alone in the dark

The reality is catching on with me finally. Maybe it’s because I knew I had to get though these three days of work before I can really let it go. When I leave work today I will not be back before Monday. So I’m planning on buying something to drink for tonight even though I don’t feel like drinking. I’m not sure if I’ve told you how I’m trying to lose the weight, so this is FYI: I’m counting points. Even though I find the system highly irrational and I’m trying to cheat on every corner. I’ve bought a cd-rom a few years ago when I was also trying to lose weight. So now I find myself typing in things and trying to find the highest amount of something I can eat without upping the points. For example I found these sugarfree candies and found out that I can eat five and lose no points. If I eat six it’s 0.5 points. So now I can eat five and after a couple of hours I can eat five again, as I’m not eating six at a time. No wonder the scale hasn’t moved down at all yet.

Where was I? Oh yeah, drinking. I did a HPT this morning, and the result was no surprise. But now I can say I’ve done it if they bother to ask. The paper they gave me at transfer says that I have to do a HPT anyway, so I guess it means even if you bleed. And I’ve been bleeding. Usually my period after a medicated cycle is a joke, but this has been a full blown AF. So there really is no hope left that anything would have stuck. Which I knew the minute I saw blood. But I’m not doing any more cycles without a blood test. I’ve had it with those HPTs. I wonder why are they torturing us like this, at least the blood test gives a definitive answer.

And I still did not get to the drinking. I might just forget it, I’m not in the mood for it anyway. But I’ll visit the store anyway and buy a bottle of wine. For some reason white vine seems to be the preferred alcoholic drink with this system. I told you it seems irrational at times! And it seems that 4 cl of any hard liquor is 2 points, regardless of volume % or sugar content. Not logical. So I should drink as strong and sweet stuff I can find. Then I won’t need that many shots to achieve the desired result and I get a carb hit at the same time. Hmm, I wonder what the selection for that kind of drinks is… I do not have too many points at my disposal, so I need to make the most of it!

I think things will get better after Mother’s Day is over. I did look at the calendar when starting this cycle and noticed that the possible BFN would land close to Mother’s Day. And it did. Yes, I know I get to celebrate it as I do have DS, but it’s still a reminder of what could have been. I could have been pregnant. I could have had another baby by now. Hell, I could have had a half a dozen new babies by now. But none of them wanted to stay around long enough. He is most likely all I’m ever going to have. Don’t get me wrong, that is still unbelievably great, but it’s always hard to let go. And that’s what I’m doing now. Letting go of the dream of siblings. I was an only child and I did not want that to DS. But it’s out of my control.


4 responses to “Alone in the dark

  1. Pingback: Trying to Stay Sane » Try to think positively

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