Yes, I know, this is getting a bit boring and repetitive, but if we ever decide to do that donor cycle I’ll be glad that I did it. Then I’ll have at least one 2ww to compare it to. Not that we even know if it would be donor sperm or donor eggs, because with donor eggs you do not get that much meds and it probably feels different. But I’ll know that then.
Today has been a really, really weird day. I’ve gone from “oh shit, I feel like I did just before retrieval with all this bloating, thirst and tiredness” to “look, the bloating has disappeared and I do not feel that sick anymore” to “what is it with that right ovary, there’s still some sharp pains every now and then” to “all the bloating is gone and my lower back hurts, this is it then, I’m not going to make it to Monday”! No blood yet, but I can feel it coming. Usually I get cramps in the front, but IVF can screw up so many things, why not this, too. I’m fully expecting to see blood when I wake up tomorrow. It’s been a ride, I can tell you that. I think that bitch Hope got in with the ride at some point, but now I’m firmly pushing her out. The situation is bad enough as it is, I don’t need her messing things up.
Soon I’m going to be in a place where I really, really do not want to be. I was doing rather well before I started this cycle and I knew this would happen. Everything would just fall apart. I should have just trusted my instincts. Nothing has changed; it’s just a waste of time and money and mental health. I do not want to face the depression I’m headed towards.
This day is so different from the many last days of April I spent while studying. Here in Finland students celebrate it, well, a lot. By which I mean dress up in overalls and get drunk. I just saw in TV a clip of something I did about 15 years ago: first year students sliding into cold water with their clothes on. And believe me; the water is still really cold. This year the ice was gone, but I remember that I slid into a hole in the ice… I have to dig out my old photos to see if I remember correctly.