All alone in the world

I’ve never been popular. And by now I’ve pretty much accepted the fact that I never will be popular. And certainly being IF does not help with blending in with the others.

I have been fat for as long as I can remember. I was bullied at school and it still hurts to remember that. Nobody took my side, everyone thought it was fun to see me ridiculed. I certainly hope that the one who bullied me never comes close again or I would give him a piece of my mind. A few years ago I heard that someone had hit him with an axe, and I was only sorry that the hit was not enough to kill him. There were lots of others who just shut me out of everything. I was always the last one picked. Maybe that is why I can still not tolerate any name calling, ever. And I absolutely hate Candid Camera and all similar shows. So be warned, I do not like to be laughed at. Do that once and you will never be considered a friend of mine.

Things got better when I went to college where there weren’t many others from where I was from. In fact I can only remember one, and he was not one of the mean ones. In fact he did not come to my school until a year or two before we went to college, and he was almost painfully shy. So I did not hate him, I kinda felt sorry for him. And based on my limited experience those who bully do not really excel at school, so they wouldn’t have gotten into the college I went to anyway.

But the faculty I picked was very heavily male dominated: about 100 students started that year, six were female. So as you could imagine I would make friends with some of them. Two of them I never really knew too well and one of the remaining three changed to another college after a year. I’ve lost contact with all of them now, I know where one of them works but I have no knowledge of the others. That’s what happens when you live in different cities – if the friendship is not really strong you lose it eventually.

I only have one person I call a friend in real life for now. We do live in different cities, but we see each other every now and then. But she is the mother of three and does not really know about IF. Her brother is unfortunately IF, so she knows something, but the real understanding is missing. That is mostly why I’m pouring this all to Internet and hoping to find someone who has been there, too.

And I’ve never had any real male friends. To me it seems that there is no such thing as a real friendship between a man and a woman. I’ve had some (ok, several) bad experiences with men who have called themselves my “friends”. But that is a subject for a completely different post, that is if you even want to hear about it.

But sometimes it would just be so good to have a real life friend to talk to. Or go to the movies to. Or shopping. Or having a few drinks with. Or at least something. Internet friends are great, but you can’t take one for a long walk in the woods.

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5 responses to “All alone in the world

  1. Ankaisa,

    I love your blog.

    I was reading back a few days ago and was thinking to myself “why doesn’t ankaisa get more attention in the blog world” and I almost wrote you about it but thought that was tacky and it probably still is but somehow, I have to say what is on my mind. Forgive me.

    I remember a while back that I wasn’t getting your blog when I would click on your name and I assume that was happening to a lot of other bloggers as well. That problem has been long fixed and now with your new blog and all of the themes (which I am copying on my blog I love that theme switch so much), your blog is beautiful AND interesting.

    Some nasty people get tons of attention while kind, sweet, honest people get passed by in the blog world.
    I don’t guess this is much different from real life.

    I am actually a bad friend. I am loving and loyal and kind and have a lioness protection but I suck at calling people back and I hate to make plans. I much prefer being spontaneous and last minute and that comes off as being bitchy sometimes. I have a new dear friend where I live, she is from the U.K. and she is the first friend I have ever had who is worse than me with calling back and making plans. It helps me see how irritating I am.

    I don’t know why I am saying all of this. I’ll shut up now.

  2. Hi Ankaisa,
    I love your blog. I was so excited when I found you had added me to your blog links. My husband was laughing at me dancing around.
    I’m a school teacher and it makes my blood boil when kids are bullied. Thankfully our school is usually right on to it, but it still happens. Some of the worse bullying I’ve seen is girls to other girls, the stuff like excluding them, starting off rumours etc.
    I used to find it hard to make friends.I had low self esteem and never had boyfriends. In fact I met my husband when I was 37 and had only had a few short term boyfriends before that.
    Now I have a good group, although it’s hard with two of them being pregnant. I actually love having online friends as even though my friends are understanding there is no way they can understand all the IF and endless merry go round of IVF.
    I can tell you are a lovely person, your blog is great to read,

    Meg

  3. Being bullied sucks, and having few friends sucks. I’ve been in both positions, I know what it feels like. So sorry your feeling isolated. But if it’s any consolation there are people here that find you very intersting and care about what you have to say. Sure, we can’t go for a walk, but we listen well.

  4. I know what you mean about people not understanding about IF. It is such a hard thing to go through and it is made harder by the fact that most people just don’t get it.
    Hope you are doing well, Ankaisa.

  5. HI Ankaisa

    I think we have led parallel lives. I was fat until i reached high school (13yo) and was teased mercilously. I didn’t have any consistant friends and spent most lunch times on my own or hiding out in the library. My self-esteem was zilch and I found it hard to trust anybody.

    That sort of blow to you confidence takes years to recover from and now, at 31 (and about 10kg overweight), I still freeze when I hear fat kids being teased or the names that I used to be called said in malice.

    Now that 40% of kids in Australia are overweight, I wonder just how many are teased as much as I was. Its probably worse now but I hope that I can help stop my own children from suffering like I did. I will certainly hang them from their ears if I EVER catch them bullying another kid.

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