I’ve never been popular. And by now I’ve pretty much accepted the fact that I never will be popular. And certainly being IF does not help with blending in with the others.
I have been fat for as long as I can remember. I was bullied at school and it still hurts to remember that. Nobody took my side, everyone thought it was fun to see me ridiculed. I certainly hope that the one who bullied me never comes close again or I would give him a piece of my mind. A few years ago I heard that someone had hit him with an axe, and I was only sorry that the hit was not enough to kill him. There were lots of others who just shut me out of everything. I was always the last one picked. Maybe that is why I can still not tolerate any name calling, ever. And I absolutely hate Candid Camera and all similar shows. So be warned, I do not like to be laughed at. Do that once and you will never be considered a friend of mine.
Things got better when I went to college where there weren’t many others from where I was from. In fact I can only remember one, and he was not one of the mean ones. In fact he did not come to my school until a year or two before we went to college, and he was almost painfully shy. So I did not hate him, I kinda felt sorry for him. And based on my limited experience those who bully do not really excel at school, so they wouldn’t have gotten into the college I went to anyway.
But the faculty I picked was very heavily male dominated: about 100 students started that year, six were female. So as you could imagine I would make friends with some of them. Two of them I never really knew too well and one of the remaining three changed to another college after a year. I’ve lost contact with all of them now, I know where one of them works but I have no knowledge of the others. That’s what happens when you live in different cities – if the friendship is not really strong you lose it eventually.
I only have one person I call a friend in real life for now. We do live in different cities, but we see each other every now and then. But she is the mother of three and does not really know about IF. Her brother is unfortunately IF, so she knows something, but the real understanding is missing. That is mostly why I’m pouring this all to Internet and hoping to find someone who has been there, too.
And I’ve never had any real male friends. To me it seems that there is no such thing as a real friendship between a man and a woman. I’ve had some (ok, several) bad experiences with men who have called themselves my “friends”. But that is a subject for a completely different post, that is if you even want to hear about it.
But sometimes it would just be so good to have a real life friend to talk to. Or go to the movies to. Or shopping. Or having a few drinks with. Or at least something. Internet friends are great, but you can’t take one for a long walk in the woods.