Back to the pit

This has not been a good day. Now that AF is on with full force I can’t help thinking how horrible I will be feeling about a month from now when this day is here again. The physical pain I can take, but the mental pain might crush me this time.

I just can’t even let myself think that it might actually work. Not now. But why am I even getting on this rollercoaster again if I’m so sure it won’t work anyway? Why can’t I just give up?

It is probably good that this will be the last time. I can’t do this anymore. I was in a relatively happy place for a while now, and now I’m headed for a disaster again. Horrible disaster. I just know that things will start to go wrong again. Just like so many times before. Why would this cycle be any different?

I just want to go home and cry. But I can’t. I can’t possibly be doing this again. I’m just beginning to realize that hope has left the building, but I can also see her sneaking back in. She most likely will if I get to transfer. But nothing is certain in this brutal game! It’s not a guarantee of anything that I have always made it to transfer. No, it’s not. But what I can almost certainly guarantee is that there will be nothing to freeze. My eggs suck.

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