Waking up in the middle of the night last night due to a stomach bug got me thinking again. It was just one night of interrupted sleep, but I feel so tired already. How could I go back to being awake multiple times each night again? The memory has faded a lot, but I can still remember it was not fun.
But quitting now would be giving up on a dream I’ve hold on to so long. Maybe I’m just preparing for the probable failure of the last IVF. I have little hope left for it to work. But just wait until I actually begin to cycle, I’m sure she’ll try to come back again. And I’m rather sure she’ll do just that. And I’m really, really afraid of her. I will do the best I can to keep her away!
So now it is the first time I feel I might actually be OK even if I never had another baby. The pain just isn’t so bad anymore. I do not get overly jealous when seeing pg bellies. When we were in a birthday party I did not even notice at first that one of the guests was pg. I’ve always been really poor in noticing pregnancies until they are ready to pop. It wasn’t until later I realized that she most certainly is pg. It did sting a bit, but it wasn’t overwhelming. I could still sit at the table and smile, I didn’t have to run to the bathroom and cry my eyes out. I’m so proud of myself! It took a long time to get this far. When I first heard that the next cycle will be the last I was not ready to hear that. Now I’ve accepted it. There will be one more IVF and that’s it. At least for now.