Why do I feel like I’ve painted myself into a corner? There’s not much in my life that I’m happy with. Most of it could have been avoided if I had chosen differently.
I’m really unhappy with my job. See exhibit 1 and 2. So I keep asking myself why I even applied for the position as I knew it would suck. I’ve been employed by a public organization once before, and that was the worst job I’ve ever had so far. I had to get out after just one year of it. Why did I think this would be any better?? So now I’m trying to understand a book with 400 pages of formulas… Sure, something might come along one day, but this still sucks. Getting employment in a company would be better, but then you never know what happens. Like I thought I had a good job at Nokia and then they kicked me out for reasons I did not agree with. So I’m never going to buy anything with that name on it.
Being let go of that job was really the beginning of a long downhill slide that has not stopped yet. I got really, really pissed with DH at that time, as he did not seem to understand that I was hurting. Nothing has been the same since. Now I’m just getting more and more pissed with him and I’m starting to wish I never married him. I was the one who pushed for marriage, as I thought that it would be nice to have the same surname for everyone. Yes, we got married after DS was born. He was almost one when we married. But back then I still had some love left for him. And now I’m afraid to leave.
And because I’m married to him I have to live in this shitty house I absolutely hated from day one. Sure, he has promised me that we would remodel it. Well, six years later I’m still waiting. I really can’t see myself living in that house for another 50 years or whatever. I don’t think even remodelling can salvage it. And living here till the end of my days would mean that I’d be buried in a cemetery I really, really, and did I say really hate. Just anywhere else!
OK, before this gets too grim, let’s think about what is good in my life: My son. That is honestly the only thing that keeps me going these days. I have his picture here at work so I can look at it when I feel the worst. I still can’t imagine not having another one, but the day when I have to admit that as a fact might be closer than I realize.