Wet paint

Why do I feel like I’ve painted myself into a corner? There’s not much in my life that I’m happy with. Most of it could have been avoided if I had chosen differently.
I’m really unhappy with my job. See exhibit 1 and 2. So I keep asking myself why I even applied for the position as I knew it would suck. I’ve been employed by a public organization once before, and that was the worst job I’ve ever had so far. I had to get out after just one year of it. Why did I think this would be any better?? So now I’m trying to understand a book with 400 pages of formulas… Sure, something might come along one day, but this still sucks. Getting employment in a company would be better, but then you never know what happens. Like I thought I had a good job at Nokia and then they kicked me out for reasons I did not agree with. So I’m never going to buy anything with that name on it.

Being let go of that job was really the beginning of a long downhill slide that has not stopped yet. I got really, really pissed with DH at that time, as he did not seem to understand that I was hurting. Nothing has been the same since. Now I’m just getting more and more pissed with him and I’m starting to wish I never married him. I was the one who pushed for marriage, as I thought that it would be nice to have the same surname for everyone. Yes, we got married after DS was born. He was almost one when we married. But back then I still had some love left for him. And now I’m afraid to leave.

And because I’m married to him I have to live in this shitty house I absolutely hated from day one. Sure, he has promised me that we would remodel it. Well, six years later I’m still waiting. I really can’t see myself living in that house for another 50 years or whatever. I don’t think even remodelling can salvage it. And living here till the end of my days would mean that I’d be buried in a cemetery I really, really, and did I say really hate. Just anywhere else!

OK, before this gets too grim, let’s think about what is good in my life: My son. That is honestly the only thing that keeps me going these days. I have his picture here at work so I can look at it when I feel the worst. I still can’t imagine not having another one, but the day when I have to admit that as a fact might be closer than I realize.


5 responses to “Wet paint

  1. I understand what you’re saying about the house – I love houses. Houses are tremendously important to me. I’ve remodeled two on my own before I met my husband, and am working on the one we have now. It’s a nice house, but not in the location that I’d like. But I have some potential assvice, could you start the remodeling yourself, like room by room? Find one room and paint it, buy light fixtures, do the floor, and then, when you hate the house, you can take refuge there. Paint is relatively cheap. During a difficult time in my life, I painted my bedroom my favorite color – purple. It felt like arms wrapping around me whenever I went in there. Assvice, I know, but maybe it will help. Whether it does or not, I really hope that you feel better soon.

  2. I agree with Suz about the house. I live in a nice house, buts is has been decorated my a man. No where near enough soft furnishings to make it cosy. Unfortnatly DH likes it that way and I don’t have the political will at the moment to change.But Ankaisa, you really need something else to enjoy in life. Get a set of golf clubs, draw some RE faces on some nokia golf balls and whack the shit out of them. Its so therapeutic.I am sorry you are feeling this way and hope something good comes along soon

  3. Oh how I wish I meant just new paint with remodeling! What I’d really need is a new kitchen. That’s a bit too hard for me to do on my own. But maybe if I just purchased new cupboards so something had to be done! Hmmm…And I really do neeed a hobby. I’ve never played golf (if you are not counting miniature golf as golf), so I don’t know if that would be an answer! Maybe I should just dig up my old boots and go riding.

  4. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I tried to comment earlier, but this friggin’ blogger is screwed up.Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you.

  5. Ankaisa,I’m sorry you’re feeling so very down right now. You sound really miserable, and I wish I had some words to comfort you.Living in a place you hate is awful; it can put so much strain on a relationship. It scares me when you say you are afraid to leave. Would you be happier if it was just you and your son? If so, is there any way you can get away for at least a little while? I hope this doesn’t come off as assvice, it’s just that I’ve been “stuck” before and afraid to leave a relationship and will never forget the awful, helpless feeling. Forgive me if I’m reading too much into your post.Thinking of you. –Bugs

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