OK, so this is yet again going to be a whiny post. I’ll most likely mention everything possible, so if you do not want to hear about it, don’t read!
Well, I survived the weekend. I saw the baby and managed to stay calm and collected. And I’ll have the pictures to prove it once the film gets full and developed. No, I will not post the pic in my blog. You’ll just have to take my word for it.
Why do I feel like most of my happy emotions have died? This all started a long time ago, and it has only gotten worse over the years. It seems I have no happy memories, just bad ones. Things that are supposed to feel good do not feel like anything. Most of the big milestones in my life have been disasters, at least starting from when I got my masters degree. Things were a mess back then, my then boyfriend’s (now DH’s) dad had died recently and he was forced to live with his mother. And she was not the nicest person, so he was being grumpy so I was not exactly happy either. We did not have any kind of a graduation ceremony, I just picked the papers from the office and that was it. I would have been happy with that, but not my mother… She had to arrange a party and invite her friends to it. I was just being told where it would be and when and I was expected to show up. Believe me, I seriously considered not going! It sucked, I still hate the memory of it.
Then when we went through the first IVF and had the BFP, it caused no emotions in me. Nothing. I was not happy or scared or sad or anything. So I have peed on a stick and there are two lines. Somewhat later I started freaking out and was convinced that there is no baby or maybe there are two babies. Then when I saw that sac in the u/s and there was no heartbeat and the doc said it looks like a blighted ovum, I was in full panic mode. So when two later there was a clearly visible heartbeat again I felt nothing. Oh look, there is a small blinking dot in the screen! Not happy, not relieved, not anything. I just wasn’t panicked anymore – at least until the next u/s. I was never happy while I was pg. And then came the day when they cut the baby out. When the midwife showed that slightly blue wrinkled face to me I felt nothing. Oh, look, it’s a baby. Who would have guessed. It wasn’t until much later I realized that yes, this is MY baby and I get to keep it.
Then we got married. That is supposed to be the happiest day of your life, right? When I think back to the day all I can remember is all the things that went wrong. It was not a happy day. Again it was more my mom’s party than mine. She did not let me choose who to invite or not to invite. She chose the place where the reception was held and I hated the place. But there are not too many places around here where you can have this kind of parties, so I’m not sure if a better place could have been found. Oh hell, who am I kidding here, any other place would have been better. The food sucked, the program sucked (I wanted no program, but noooooo), some of the quests sucked… I just want to forget it ever happened.
But I most certainly can feel the sad things. All the failed IVFs. All the other things that have gone wrong. Somehow I’m still waiting to see a day when I can say I’m happy. It feels I’m still picking up the pieces from the last failed cycle, or whatever it is that is making me so blue. I can’t even say why I’m so down these days. I seemed to be doing OK for a long time, and now I’m back in that deep black hole. And I see no way out. I just drag myself from one day to another. Who took all the joy out of living??