Mixed feelings

I really have to say my feelings are just about exactly the same as Julianna’s. I did not want to comment on her blog, as there seems to be a nasty troll and my comment would most likely be lost in the flame war. Let’s see if the trolls make their way over here… I hope not!

You might notice the chance in my blog list to the right. I had to do it for my own piece of mind. I know when my last cycle failed I just deleted the links to newly pregnant blogs. Somehow it was not so bad if you were further along, just seeing positive beta numbers was bad. I could not take it. Now I’m missing those links, as I’d still like to see how they are doing. So I had to do this. Separating the pg blogs from the still trying blogs. So I can choose not to read the pg blogs on a bad day. So I can freely browse the still trying blogs. So I do not have to look at the empty chairs if I do not want to. It’s just so sad to me how many links I’ve had to move to the pg list. And the number seems to grow each day. Don’t get me wrong, I’m always happy for anyone who gets out of this infertility hell, but it’s not fun being left behind. Maybe forever.

When I did this I was thinking about my upcoming cycle, but now I’m no longer so sure there will ever be one. I’m having serious second thoughts, some for reasons I prefer not to drag out to the open. Let’s just say something happened during the holidays that made me question whether I even want to bring another child to this. So the plans are on hold for now, and it just might be that I’ll never do that IVF cycle. It’s so easy to get caught in the gerbil wheel. Do IVF, get BFN, plan another cycle, do IVF, get BFN, plan another cycle… Maybe it is time to say this is enough. Yes, I have all the meds in the fridge just begging me to do it, but I’m just not so sure anymore.

And yet still at the end of each cycle, medicated or not, I’m still wondering if I could be pregnant.

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6 responses to “Mixed feelings

  1. I’m glad I am not alone. I felt a little guilty about posting about how I really feel, but being me, I did it anyway. The troll over there was the exclamation point I did not need. I hope she doesn’t come over here either.Take care.

  2. I understand. Month after month after month of not even being the last picked for the team, but having them tell you that they have already enough players. Yep. I understand.I wish I didn’t. But I do. thinking of you.

  3. I’m not sure why I’ve missed your blog before – we seem to be in similar situations. I have a daughter born in nov 2000 (from IUI 3) and have cycling pretty much constantly since (2 full IVF/1 cancelled, 2 FETs, a couple of desperation IUIs and I even did a clomid cycle over Christmas (a BFN to welcome in the new year is always good)).Anyway I didn’t comment on Julianna’s blog for the same reason (and I’m a lurker at heart) – but I so understand; even the part about it being easier when people get further along. Being hit with an unexpected joyful (not for a second do I wish them ill) pregnancy post/US pictures when you click on an IF blog is incredibly painful. Then again on a good day I don’t mind reading about the pg of people I care about (in a “virtual” sense). Anyway I’m not going anywhere soon -my chair will be occupied for the foreseeable future.Sorry to ramble on – I hope you find some peace in whatever decision you make wrt cycling again. Lucy

  4. I have just seperated the pregnant blogs from the unpregnant ones. At this stage in my life I am really struggling and just find it too hard to read the pregnancy blogs. I so want to be with them. Sigh!I share your feelings.

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