Primary/Secondary

Ok, so I’m not trying to compare anyone else’s pain here. Just my own. But I feel the need to write about this now. This may be rambling and long, and talks about being pregnant and having a baby, so you have been warned!

I can still remember how it was when I was a primary. Luckily I did not have to spend too many years there. But still long enough to remember how it was. We had not told many people that we are trying. And we were lucky in that not many people asked about it, which in my mind was mostly due to the fact that we were not married at that time. This is a normal practise here in Finland, I can’t remember where I read that most of the first children are born to unmarried couples here. I highly doubt if we would have even gotten married if it wasn’t for DS. We got engaged when I came from my 12 week u/s…

But I was going to talk about being a secondary vs. being a primary. I still remember how I left a birthday party in tears as when we were leaving a really pregnant woman came to the party. At that point I was so sure that will never be me. I was just about to start my suppression for my first IVF cycle. It was bad enough to see pg women in the store, let alone have to spend time with one. By then I had not even held a baby too many times. And I had not even wanted to!

Things were so different when we went to another birthday in the same family the next summer. I was more than halfway pg by then and I got to see the baby that had been a big belly the last time. She was so cute little baby sleeping in her stroller. I wasn’t panicking too much about my pgcy anymore and I was starting to really show. I do have my share of extra fat, so it took a long time before most people started to notice.

Then my dearest DS was born. I took quite a while to get used to the idea. Here babies are not given a name when they are born, only somewhat later when the baby is christened. In the hospital the baby was in a small plastic crib and the only name on it was your last name. So when they called from the nursery to say that your baby needs to be fed, they said “last name’s mother”. It felt funny. Really funny. It took a long time to feel at ease of being called a mother. At some point of the IF struggle I had lost sight of the end, actually becoming a mother one day.

Being still fairly naive in the IVF business, I thought that because it worked so easily in the first time then surely the next time would be as easy. I kept thinking about those seven frozens and hoping that there is a sibling for DS. But as you can see, that was not going to be. Or the next fresh cycle. Or the next. Or the next. And so on. Now I have just about given up hope of anything happening ever again. So I feel that some of the old feelings are coming back again. I see pg women everywhere I go. Somehow the pg women are the worst. I can deal with the babies, but not with pg women. And usually the babies you see are a bit older, not really newborns. I would have a hard time dealing with newborns.

But still it is so very different. I do get to tuck my precious DS to bed each night. Yes, I do feel the pain sometimes, but not all the time. I don’t feel excluded from the world, and can’t be because I have DS. I lead a pretty normal life between IVF cycles. I can almost forget that I’m about to do another. I’m not complaining.

So what I’m really trying to say is that I will most likely be OK even if this last one fails. I still have more that I ever would have dreamed possible. Maybe it really is time to put all this behind me and focus on what I have rather than focusing on what I don’t have.

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One response to “Primary/Secondary

  1. What a beautiful post. I think can always be guilted into being more grateful for where we are but sometimes, it is okay to want more. I hope your DS has a sibling one day and has nieces and nephews when he is older. That would be wonderful.

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